War paint - definitely to be used if fake dated on april fools day...

War paint¹

1.

Your with another, why should I bother?

You can't take me angry, get real and take cover!

I was loving you but now am disenchanted, some older:

get lost and hit the rain for a cold shower.

2.

You said it's a mistake, that I shouldn't brake –

lets hit it with a knife – your peace of cake!

Life is not a smoothy or a milk-shake:

If you can't be responsible, than eat your nails…

3.

You say it's cool if I make myself a fool:

don't change the subject – I wont ever on your face drool.

You can get your time back and all your moon;

don't need your sunshine nor starlight bloom!!

4.

You say it's ok to have it many ways;

lets see how you hurt when ignoring your replies.

Don't bother thinking of better says:

It's over candle – the flame was snuffed – died…

1War paint – try this if you wanna loose somebody in your heart for breaking you.

Pride and Hybris

Jer 13:12-22 “Therefore you shall speak to them this word: ‘Thus says thy Lord Yahweh Sebaot: “Every bottle shall be filled with wine.” ’ And they will say to you: „Do we not certainly know that every bottle will be filled with wine” – „Then you shall say to them: „Thus says thy Lord: “Behold, I will fill all the inhabitants of this land, even the kings who sit on David’s throne; the priests; the prophets; and all the inhabitants of Jerusalem, with drunkenness! And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together.” says thy Lord. I will not pity nor spare nor have mercy, but will destroy them.” Hear and give ear: Do not be proud, For thy Lord has spoken. Give glory to thy Lord, Yahweh Sebaot, your God.
Before He causes darkness, and before your feet stumble on the dark mountains. And while you are looking for light, He turns it into the shadow of death and makes it dense darkness. But if you will not hear it,
my soul will weep in secret for your pride; my eyes will weep bitterly
And run down with tears, because thy Lord’s flock has been taken captive. Say to the king and to the queen mother, “Humble yourselves; sit down, for your rule shall collapse, the crown of your glory.” The cities of the South shall be shut up, and no one shall open them; Judah shall be carried away captive, all of it; it shall be wholly carried away captive. Lift up your eyes and see. Those who come from the north. Where is the flock that was given to you, your beautiful sheep? What will you say when He punishes you? For you have taught them to be chieftains, to be head over you. Will not pangs seize you, like a woman in labor? And if you say in your heart,
“Why have these things come upon me?” For the greatness of your iniquity Your skirts have been uncovered, Your heels made bare.”

Why does the prophet Jeremiyah get so pissed over his nation and leadership and establishment? Because they are so proud of themselves and full of hybris! Why is that so big of a deal? I mean, Why should it bother God, that his nation is exalting himself over all that God has provided for them? Ok, not all of Israel or Judah didn't heed the Law of Israel, as spoken by the Torah, to the letter and heart of it. One can know something by heart and still not know the heart of it, as stated by C. S. Lewis. Some there conducting in paganism and other rites, forbidden to Israel; others there full of Judas military prowess of that time. It's hard to think straight if you're winning. Everything is going well – and then comes an evil mean prophet to say, this will not stay like that. I mean, how dare he? You are so full of joy like of fine wine and then comes a grumpy youngster, for Jeremiyah was a young man, then he became preaching as a prophet, so not few looked at his baby-face and thought: “What is this Chickenshit blabbering there? Our Kingdom is good and fine! No dark cloud on the perimeter to see. Is he insane?” But the sad truth about warfare is, then you can see the enemy coming with the flags and banners held high, its already too late to prepare for war.

“But know this, that if the master of the house had known what hour the thief would come, he would have watched and not allowed his house to be broken into. Mat 24:43

This law goes for both defender of a keep and assaulter of it. If you know what the other side is up to, your would prepare yourself accordingly, but most of the time you don't. What kind of a thief steels openly so that everybody knows that he's gonna go to a house to steal. That would be nuts. But in our pride and hybris we expect our enemies to perform just like that. All our defenses are built up for melee combat and not for strafe and run or ranged combat, though we pretend them to be ranged combat, because we have ranged weaponry what folks these days constantly better and best. But knowing a gun doesn't necessarily mean, that you can use the gun. A guy can be relatively knoledgable in the arts of warfare in means of theory, but put him in the battle field, there an enemy gone berzerk looks him in the eye with maddened folly hellbent in killing you by the meanest way to jump on your carcass and dance on your grave, spitting drool and foam like a rabid animal… How many people dare to face that? Most theoretically brave people chicken out of it, by the brink.

You can always find a good Christian to pray and argue about something, but if it comes to action – implementing them words to real life, then its: “Let somebody else do it! God send us a prophet so that he may go and do!!” And even if He does – “God, why did you send this prophet? I don't like him... He's so mean, and don't let me do things my way! Send me that prophet!”

People don't want prophets of God into they lives not because they wanna follow up God, for the Sermon of the Mount has been given unto the Christians for over 2000 years, and it's not been implemented to the fullest as possible. If Christians wanted to listen to God, it's already possible without the introduction of a prophet, but serving God costs you something, and that is the reason why nobody does anything about it. It's easier to whine and snarl about Gods way how God hasn't sent his official to do His bidding and thus nothing gets done or everything is fine, because we are winning and not preparing ourselves for the change what might happen in the world. And when it does, it might be too late to change your ways to find a new answer to the questions of life.

Don't fool yourself, dear Christian, you don't want a prophet into your life!

Why would anybody want to know the inspector who has the right to inspect things in your premise? I mean, these are the rights of a fully fletched prophet, sent by God:

1. He can brake any and all laws of the book, because he's above the law! 2Ki 33- 35 states how prophet Elisha slept on a dead boy what was considered pedophilia and thus condemned by law. We don't know how long he lie down on that boy but any such contact between an adult and a child was forbidden dead or alive. No matter how we surmise, whether or not that boy was dead or just comatose – that won't change a thing. Also the body of the dead would make any jude spiritually corrupt and unfit for office of religion. A guy touching the dead was not allowed to give offerings nor enter the temple. He had to spiritually cleanse himself first. But a prophet can ditch all that, witch makes it really hard for an ardent follower of Christ to suffer him. Think about how hard it is to suffer somebody who cut's the thanksgiving turkey the wrong way – without saying a prayer first – most Christian begin to weep then that happens and try to kill that sucker who does that. But this could be a prophet for you in action…
2. He can pass judgment on motion without court, because he's judge; jury and witness testimony in one person – also the executioner. 1Ki 20:35,36 a son of prophets asks his friend to strike him and the friend refuses and is cursed to die by a lion as soon as he departs for not striking his friend, for that order was “Word of God!” If such a man would ask you: “Jump!” by all means, you would have to jump or die for not listening. Why would you like to see such a man, who can order you anything and you must follow him for you are a Christian and have vowed yourself to God and now an official of that God gave you a direct order. Any soldier must heed the orders and words of any superior no matter how stupid they are. Every private knows that, though I never was in the army for my spine and I never recovered from that shame. I studied theology instead and botched that too…
3. He can command the powers of heaven and baptize a place in fire 2Ki 1:9-15 was Elijah killing commanders and his 50 men by sets for disrespect towards him and God til' one humbled himself and survived because of that The King couldn't order a prophet anything becoas the prophet was higher ranked than the king! No matter his status before been apointed prophet. Once he was that, he was above anything what could be on law and government… Why would anybody want to meet the living embodyment of Law himself? I don't! If I ever see an angel of God coming my way, I sure as hell would keep running the other way like the devil was after me! Because I don't know on what grounds must I meet this angel. Normally people don't see angels like they don't meet with IRS agents to say hello, how are you. If you see one standing behind your door, I'll promise you, you'll freak out and yell: “Oh no, shit, what did I do wrong?” So why would you wanna see such a man?!
4. He can use the powers of Heaven to give you everything what brakes the laws of Science – Make an iron axe swim; make a bitter food by casting a log in the cauldron sweet and edible. You don't have to believe me and call that Fairy-tail, but that wont change my argument. Then you see such a man in real life, you wont be happy and think: “Wow I won the lottery, what could I wish for now!” You would be scared of your life.

And this kind of a man was talking to the kings and courts and people – and they didn't listen for his age and looks… Tough shit. And later all happened like the prophet warned them about, but then it was too late to prepare and do something.

The same thing happens with Christians – they haven't used the 2000 year period according of the best wishes and expectations of God. While it's right that the Gay marriage is wrong and no such thing can happen in a church, but not letting gays taste the love of God is still wrong. For they are loved by God at this state and not at future state. Then I met Jesus, I fully sensed all my transgressions before God and accepted his verdict to be cast down into Hell – so I was really happy, then I was not. Then Jesus had mercy on me in my vicious evil spirit state, he found me. But Christians are not remembering that all their deeds and stuff ain't from them but from God and it can be gone. Just like a guy renting a house doesn't own it, and if he pisses the landlord off, then the landlord can just end the contract with him and he must leave! Christian never seem to realize that God can Forsake Christendom and let Vatican be destroyed the same way as the Temple of Solomon or The Temple of Herod or whatever great thing that has been destroyed in the course of histrory. God owes us nothing for he is not our manservant, we are His!

It pisses me off every time, then I see a Christian so high and mighty and content about his life. How dare he!

Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. “The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. ‘I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ “And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 18:9-14

Why can't they understand that they have nothing that doesn't come from God – as soon as they vow themselves to God as Christians their ass is His! They can't have any lip on how the other should be beneath them. God can always change that to His hearts content. That's why probably the gays; the witches and the harlots go to heaven sooner than them Christians – for being so goddamn proud of themselves. They should rather mind, how their work exalts God and if that is sufficient enough. If you have enough time to lament how bad a gay; a witch; a harlot is – maybe you are not with God at all! There do you take that time to see them as beneath God? – Who are you, man! Are you God!! Just because you are a faithful Christian doesn't say anything in the heavens.

“Assuredly, I say to you, among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist; but he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. Mat 11:11

Are you better and more faithful than John the Baptist? Then how dare you trample on the nobodies of this world because they are not according to the law? You are not according to the law but Jesus suffers you alive – how cannot you suffer them? And these call themselves Christian! God I'm so pissed!!

Pride and hybris makes you belittle and patronize those who are not like you. And then people are not like you and get that laid upon them thus, what do they do? They start giving you names and saying that you're full of shit and talking behind your back – especially if you are wise and they can't find your error in words or your conduct. Your actions are wrong just because, as a Christian, you make people hate and avoid the words of God what they may have otherwise been listening to. It has happened so many times that people don't forsake Christ not because of Christ, but because of the bad conduct of Christians who stand in the way and don't let people into Heaven while not entering it themselves. Why would anybody listen to Christ then they can see two Christians fighting each other or nations who claim to be christian doing that or not condemning their corrupt officials or merchants not abiding by what is just because “juridically all is correct”. Why would any sentient person hold any meaning to a Christians words, when he can simply read the newspaper or watch TV? How many Christians does he see there loving and caring for each other? None? I didn't think so either! Because good things don't sell good, but if somebodies house got burned; if someone got raped or murdered, especially if its a race crime, then it's anyone's business. If a firefighter dies or looses health and needs something or a war-veteran needs something – who cares! It's not news. If he would be drunk and in bad conduct – News! A boyscout helping a granny over the street is not news – a boyscout selling drugs is. A pastor living according to faith is no news – if he's a pedophile – Big news! You can lament on that for months. Because it's pride and hybris, that force and endorse us to see that thus. Because we are better! If we would be honest to ourselves, we are no better than a rapist on drugs.

From the age of 13 to today I've been addicted to pornography. Because of my pride and hybris, after reading the bible thrice and knowing it so well, I thought just as professor Quirell in J. K. Rowling's book “Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone” thought of being ready for real action in the dark arts and got Voldemort on his head for being so foolish and ignorant and died for touching Harry Potter – for he was the embodiment of Goodness, Quirell couldn't suffer for becoming so corrupt out of lust for power. So I thought that if I look once and stop, I could prove to myself how awesome of a Christian I am. I couldn't be any more wrong… Whyle I wanted to see porn only to understand women and men better, and it could thus, it came at a terrible cost. I can no longer be happy of being born a man. Because I found out through my meditations and 20 years of porn-studies why evil exists in this world. Just as Adam and Eve tasting the forbidden fruit found out that they are nude! It's because men like me watch women nude and taste them as subject of their lust without seeing any error in that. Just as Friedrich Nietzsche was not understood, when he was saying to a faithful married Christian, who was going to see his mistress: “So you going to the women, sir, don't forget the whip!” Because it was deemed fear and honorable conduct at times of Nietzsche's life, to have that then you were rich and so very Christian… to have mistresses, while being married, for you could afford it. Like the movie 8 mm talked about making a porn movie there the girl dies coas' the contractor who ordered it could afford it! Nietzsche never adress the girl for being under such premises but the man, who normally scoffed others for adultery. And that's why he needed the whip to whip himself because he was not according to his words, but not to whip the girl. But Nietzsche got condemned as a sexist misogynist for speaking up the truth into the face of a wealthy renowned Christian man!

Because men like me, women get raped and bludgeoned and murdered, for they dressed wrongly and the sin was there and not in the eye of the predator, who was so full of pride and hybris!

Because of men like me, evil is in amidst of us, and I am a Christian! And I can't form a serious relationship of fears what might the girl say, if he ever would see my soul the way Jesus sees me every day… Maybe she needs a whip too to protect herself of that vicious animal lest be killed in action. But God should send us a prophet for we are the Champions of the World, like Queen sang… How say you?

Whatever

1.

Be a care-a-lot, not a scared a lot

to salvage your rot in Camelot.

Don't listen to voices what say: “You're not!”

Because they themselves cannot.

You are, what you are, and they are not –

not you; not Jesus; nor Superman's bot…

Don't listen to devils pants in a knot,

give it a wedgie by staging your thought.

2.

Because buts are for Butts to shit on your why-what's!

Why would you accept it and wear mad hats?

Don't stray like cats; don't shit like bats –

their upside down and feast with the rats…

Don't think for a second your in it for cut's

of cakes to freedom, when you forsake your stats.

Loosing your face doesn't grant you any chats;

in the end boredom your posing departs…

3.

People like you, coas' you one of a kind;

not the copy of Parker or Clark Kent or Hyde.

You friends don't need buddha's mirrors define

to like your time and space in the blind!

Your friends don't need Jesus's imaginary child –

they need the you what is not in avatars hide.

Why would you contrive to youself that lie;

is it beLIEve that you change win for a tie?

4.

Be whatever you want, your dreams are the limit;

shoot the moon even if that mark makes you vomit.

Maybe you can't but how could you ever sum it,

what you could be able, if you never even commit?

Attempt your errors and sins for a summit

of your own way to have your fates plummet.

Don't worry the fall coas' you shall have wings permit

of your own trust to escape the desolate hut of a Hermit!

Superman

 "I teach you the overman. Man is something that shall be overcome.” Nietzsche

Every child has wished upon a star, to be a super-hero of a kind. To be somebody he's not. But that is the wrong way of thinking. You already are your super-hero. You are yourself! Before anyone can be Superman, he first must be a man. And wimps who don't dare to see themselves as what they are, never gonna be anything. Not what they pose to be and not what they are. Next time you are watching an anime or reading a manga or relating to a movie star, sighing how you are not. Tell yourself that I am “Myself” and this superhero can do this and that. Remember all the things you can do, either its the ability to do AMV's or the ability to cook or clean. What is it, what you can do, and in what you are good at? Is it the scate-board or a card game or something else. What are you good at, is your inner power and you can reflect it into the real world. Remember it. Superman didn't become superman, because he wore the coat – he was born Superman! The same is with you. You were born special, but then you started to believe the education, that you're not because you're missing this and that, and because you can't play the piano; or sing in the opera or do other bad-ass things, your not special or great. But don't listen to that! You're already superman or wonder woman. But first, before you can be that, be yourself! Dare yourself and are yourself to be the One and not the sum of all your fears and haters digest. You are Superman! You are Wonder woman!

You're not strong, because you're talented or gifted. You're strong and the Superman, because despite lacking visible strengths and valors you keep pushing on and stand your ground. What greatness is there to cheer up, then you won the game for gold. But cheering up inspite sucking in it and ending last to get on it the next time for a win, that is true strenght of the spirit, that gifted and able men and women don't posess. You don't think about the pebble you are lifting and cast it away again to be forgotten, but you would think of the giant boulder you lifted and you shall not ever forget it your entire life. The same way is it with your hopes and aspirations. Nothing ventured nothing gained. If you soffer liddle; you love a lilddle. We care about stuff what cost as alot, not what was dirt cheap. Thats why you need to overcome the man, for you need to overcome your weakness but not your humanity. Gifted people loosen theyr humanitary abilities for lack of social bonding, but couragous people who could be real hero material and the Superman or the Wonder woman, they always humble themselves to aspire sotially better, never cutting their roots to live in the desert. There is no life in the desert, but the heart can be so full of life. Are you the Life to others or the Desert?

Looser

I am a looser, who couldn't write;
the sight of white paper showed me true blight.
Crying all day and sobbing all night;
like a chicklet or sheep who can't put up a fight.

When the wolves of true genius howled at my spite;
I couldn't read infront of the class a single poetry right.
I choked and I stared to be silent and shither tight -
but that is the past I have my own might.

To loose all fears and loosen all sorrows;
the regrets and despairs the posers unfollows;
they just empty shells; so alone and so hollow.
I have my own future, my own joyous morrow!

Be a looser, who looses all his shame;
for you aren't your losses, that's not your name;
not for the glory of others; not for the fame.
To be yourself boldly - that is your true Game!

Confessions of a depressed mind

People constantly crave attention, because they need to be with somebody or some community. While for a normal person who has normal likes and dislikes; who acts average, there is no sweat to fit in and form your image of self. Because we are what we eat. Either the friends we hang out with, tell something about us; or the music we're listening to; or the places we go or books we read. Its all like food. If the food is rotten or you eat too much, you get sick. That's why people want sometimes alone time. Not because they hate, but because they stuffed of emotions, like a person who just ate a succulent 7 course meal, can't even suffer to eat a grape without feeling the urge to vomit.

„A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” Pro 27:7

It's very easy to feel satisfied, then you fit in. Picture a table, and you are sitting behind it. It's filled with the choicest of foods and you can eat all of them. Is this the life or what? Seems like Heaven! A depressed mind sees the same table, only with one alteration. All the foods are labeled with the wrong name – namely, that they don't belong to you and having a price tag, what you're unable to pay. This is the reason, why a depressed mind feels so alone like stranded on a desolate island, though his parents and friends and classmates keep constantly reminding to him, that he is so deeply loved and cared. He sees it but also sees the price tag that this love doesn't belong to him.

Lets take the Christianity for instance. People always claim its too easy to get into Christianity… Hell, what do they mean by that? It took me 15 years to get converted, does that sound easy?! Do they mean, that wearing a cross makes you a christian – satanists also wear crosses made of silver, so – nah! Just like a gentleman is not necessarily a gent; a knight of some kind; a lord. It means simply, that he is a man in the community, worthy of respect, but not what the word means. The same is to call somebody a Christian. It doesn't even mean what it should be. Are all boys, who's first name is Kristjan; Christian; Risto; Christopher; etc. so Christian, is this the truth? Most of them are just posing to be, not really what they claim to be. Do they know Christ in their life?

I think its to crave for attention, to be like that. It's like wearing your favorite T-shirt while not knowing what the picture is saying. Hippies wearing the rune of death – and calling it peace. Well its really peaceful in the cemetery. I so love my sarcastic side…

To come back to entering Christendom, because in order to become a Christian, one must be accepted by the community as such. So what should a curious boy do there. Read the bible? Ok!

It's all cool, then you're born in a nice posh healthy family, there you have your mommy and daddy happily married and paying their taxes in church and state and being the stalwart guardians of your city; your probably baptized on child-birth and already in. You know where you are and where you're going coas' all your family members have been the same for 7 generations, so what could go wrong there… only if you don't wanna fit in there, but that's not my point, coas' I wanna talk about my life. Am so elegant of an Egotist.

I didn't know my father, coas' he dumped my mother on early time, coas' he couldn't take her having an abortion on the third child, who would have been a daughter, while birthing me and my liddle brother. All that because my father had bad genes and was a coward to stand up for his wife when the doctors kept harassing her with horror-stories of retarded children she would beget. Because she married the wrong guy… It was all too easy to blame it on the girl in sick-bed who had an abortion and was close to a suicide who you didn't support and encourage. Indeed, really good show of manly courage…

Or then he started to booze and hang out with friends because, his Father and Mother-in-law didn't love him for living at their place like a hobo and not working much or doing anything except being drunk and being married with their daughter… Really, that's a number one dad to be proud off!

That's really the environment to get into church, then your grandparents are Lutherans and haven't even baptized their children, not to mention considered that on you or having you obtain Christian education. But you get “the name” – while being constantly verbal abused by your grandfather as a “monster” because uh no, you're born a bastard. Because your dad was drunk and couldn't propose before he fucked his 19 year old gorgeous chick on prom-night pregnant and had take up responsibility he never even wanted. That's what I call onehitkill on Elona shooter. He could have used a condom. Maybe he forgot?

Try then entering a church, then all the people there know this of you. Not so easy anymore? Feeling a liddle bit ashamed? Then it comes a real effort to pull up your “keep-smile” and talk to adults who's emotions and mind you are able to read like an open book, and try to fit in. Then it becomes like gasping for a sip of air while drowning in the streaming currents of a river, panting your heads pellmell in every angle and direction to get something to grab and hold onto. And then this kind of an adult or even teenager there says: “I love you!” You look at his/ her perfectly healthy life and smile and teeth and everything and grin back: “Whatever you say bitch, whatever you say...” even if you manage to pull up some nice words, that's what I liked to say…

You can't feel the “I love U” if you're not engulfed with it having the love this person is talking about around and inside of you being the same as he/she is. Because, if you are different, it feels like being offered a rhetorical approach there you know, you can't say yes, but have to say politely: “No, thank you!” for it was never meant for you, but the political correctness forced them to offer you.

This is how I'm constantly feeling in my crowds, like I don't belong, calling myself a white liddle raven – or Walgekaaren¹ in Estonian. How can a bastard know God? He was already wrongly conceived!! Being in a family what doesn't go to church… To make things worse, I have a natural level of curiosity. Then normal boys are shy as children and don't try to talk or follow strangers on the streets, than I didn't mind. That kept my mom always on the brink of mental collapse to watch me that I wouldn't end up with the wrong kind of adults… while being so super shy, that I don't relate or talk much to real people in the real world who could be of my age and relate to me to form bonds. I like to make my own friends in my own mind in my own image, because such friends can never betray you, or hurt your feelings. Unless you into BDSM and feel like it. I always live in my own mind in my own world, where I am god and nobody else. Because I couldn't change my life and stop my parents in hurting eachother and divorcing. It still pains me to see my mother in such mental state of pride and hybris, to not admit, she's hurt and saying her “I'm fine's and Ok's” She still wont age, and looks like a 28 year old nymph, while being 54 or something. What ever…

I don't even know how pretty she must have been, before she met my dad…

Anyway, to come back to the topic. Being so criminally blond and curious I ended up in whitch-craft doing all the Taro card readings; and I-chings; and Runic meditations; Trans-zen and zen meditations, while reading Daoteching; Bhagavadgita and the Bible. I am a sucker for good literature. Can't say no to wisdom, whatever it is. And when you meet such quotes in the bible, where it says:

“You shall not permit a sorceress to live.” Exo 22:18 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth...” Exo 20:4 “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Mat 5:28

What shall you do, if you're the friendly kind though pushing people away and have yourself done the wrong things and painting pictures or writing stuff is already wrong in the eyes of the bible! How to kill the witch then he sits in your own heart? How to live a Christian life, while being able to talk to spirits and stuff? Can you relate to anybody in this state, then they keep telling you: “There is no boogeyman under your closet; inside your wardrobe; in your room; no dark presence no nothing, just a bad dream! Grow up!!” And then you find out that the previous owner of that apartment offed himself and your room is just about there he did that… Really nice to chill then and have a good nights sleep. While having cited the Enochian keys of the Satanic bible as a teenager there. Really nice to sleep there… How to be a Christian then, if you are not even baptized yet?

You start to trust some adults, because they are so nice and smart and know stuff in the bible and you want to belong… and when you're there already, you see the same adult claim: “I don't have to go to church and listen to somebodies Sermon to know how to read the bible; I don't have the time or the excess of money to waste on gasoline to come there every Sunday!” Really nice indeed how adults relate towards each-other while being Christian, really nice indeed.

Shouldn't that sting a bit, if the target hears that? That his Sermons are so bad, that aren't even worth a 15 minute drive to the church on Sunday. When a teenager says that to another, than he gets scolded for not respecting the others feelings and gets cited til kingdom come for being a bad Christian. But an adult can do that. And then they have the audacity to whine: “Oh why, God, Why are you hating us so bad?! Send us a prophet and we shall repent!! Send us an awakening!” And Jesus looks upon them and sends 47! I repeat 47 street-kids of the jitterbugger kind there and the church says: “Hell no! You shall not pass!! Not with those clothes and hoodies and music and stuff. Grow up and get some style and smarts first!!” And the teenagers shake their shoulders and roll their eyes and say: “If you say so!” and go back vence they came from.

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Mat 18:6

And Jesus gets pissed and starts to swear and curse: „For I say to you that none of those men who were invited shall taste my supper. ” Luke 14:24 Really nice indeed adults, so very Christian.

Really, its the prophet they need and not a CAT scan on their brains. Sigh gasp growl. I'm so mean.

I was the right hand man of the youth pastor who took care of those kids and it really hurt then I was overruled by majority to send them back… Now even the youth pastor is not in our church anymore; not the guy who put up the web page and managed it and works in a radio station. Everybody is dishing this church, but still their praying that. Oh the ignorance of being in folly and not knowing what forces you're toying with…

Why should Jesus care about them Christians, if they are like that? Why shouldn't Jesus instead send out his ravens to find a witch; a gay; a harlot; to bless and sooth them; to cheer them up, so he that raven could present them to Heaven as they are just now, to humiliate the highborns who didnt give honor to God.

For in real. I've been so long in google+ chating with people and their conduct is so very Sermon of the Mount; so becoming of true ardent Holyness I have never witnessed among Christians… All those teenagers who are gay; lesbian; trans; by; feminist etc. Normally they couldn't even enter a church and would run there out sobbing. But I feel it in my heart. Jesus really loves them! They all shall be in Heaven one day… How they relate to friends and cheer them up and talk silly and get mad and then get along again. Yes, so holy and worthy of praise indeed. This is how true Christian worship and friendship should look like, and not like in my church as I mentioned…

To think of how distraught I was on the second of february then my girlfriend dumped me with a text saying she's got another one. And She was my first kiss. I never got so far with any girl. God I still can feel her lips on mine; smell her cent of hair and long for her body to be next to mine, like we cuddled standing on that street after our first date, then that kiss happened. I still read that text, unable to delete it. I'm such an emo sucker. And then I got added by Yongyeon in google+ and watched his site of full nudes. Seriously dude, get a life! Scrolling through the nudes of broken girls and feeling the same, never wanting to date any of them, coas' they so messed up and I think of myself better. All their eyes staring at me, like they could see me and relate to me, but I do the cool act and don't wanna know of it. I could only like three posts in that cite, what weren't nudes, thinking what kind of a Kitsune Hime² drama queen owns that site… So I got curious and started adding him back and his friends to see what will come out of it to get my thoughts away of my girlfriend. Though it doesn't work too well, its at least something. It's not so depressing. Ah by the way. Let's celebrate my 20^th birthday of not killing myself while I was 13 years old… I just remembered. My real birthday is on 17^th of May! Chill won't do anything stupid for all the friends I have found here. It would really hurt their feelings and take them down and I don't like this. I'd rather pull my own weight and help others than be of excess weight to those, who already are depressed and fighting back. I can relate to that, so I'm keeping myself alive for my friends sake, even if I can feel no reason why in myself. But it really helps to have a purpose in life you can relate and believe in. What the adults haven't yet taken away from me. For I never want to become an adult, if that means I have to whine about gas then it comes to going to church. Seriously its only a nice 1h stroll by feet from his home to church – no big deal! He just don't like going to that church and has no other politically correct way in saying so.

You don't have to go to church to be a Christian; you have to know God – the man who Jesus Christ was; like he talks in the Sermon of the mount!

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. “Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Mat 5:1-12

It doesn't say „Blessed are the Christians or the Yews or any other group. It says “who so ever” is capable of doing thus is eligible for Heaven. So if You're Gay and want to go to Heaven and can do this to your friends and neighbors then rejoice and go to Heaven – You can do it. If you're a witch you can ditch the previous quote I mentioned and be in Heaven coas' you're able to mourn; hunger for righteousness; be merciful; makers of peace; while being pure of heart, but not according to the lawbook. Well Jesus already loves you, so you can do it! Or a harlot whore, who knows everybody looks at her with resent for her misdeeds of not getting a husband but selling her body. If you can do all this, then fuck that shit what they are telling you and have it your way! Without ever entering the church!! Word! And why, you ask me. Because Christians don't want to serve Jesus and go to Heaven, so Luke 14:1-35 https://www.blueletterbible.org/nkjv/luk/14/1/s_987001

This is how I do. I cheer up the ravens³ of this world like the raven I am myself. Want to join in and be dark-gloomy together?

1Walge – white; normally written „valge” but the „w” messes with people's heads pretty well coming from the first republic then our ortography was defined by german rules and not by russian rules. Kaaren – raven... I'm so fond of ravens. „Consider the ravens,” Luke 12:24 is my favorite quote what helps me out of my depressions.

2Kitsune Hime – fox princess; oblivious mystery of a girl or a boy you can't understand what he/she is.

3Raven – an emo; goth or depressive person, who at least once has thought of killing himself or played with that thought.

Overwrite - Ülekirjutus

„Häda maailmale pahanduste pärast! Sest pahandused peavad tulema, kuid häda sellele inimesele, kelle läbi pahandus tuleb! Aga kui su käsi või su jalg sind pahandab, siis raiu ta maha ja heida enesest ära. Parem on sulle, et sa vigasena või jalutuna lähed elusse, kui et sul on kaks kätt ja kaks jalga ja sind heidetakse igavesse tulle. Ja kui su silm sind pahandab, kisu ta välja ja viska enesest ära. Parem on sulle, et sa ühe silmaga lähed elusse kui et sul on kaks silma ja sind heidetakse põrgutulle. Vaadake ette, et te ühtki neist pisukesist ei põlga; sest ma ütlen teile, et nende inglid taevas alati näevad mu Isa palet, kes on taevas. [Sest Inimese Poeg on tulnud päästma seda, mis on kadunud.] Mt 18:7-11

“Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes! “If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. “And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire. “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost” Mat 18:7-11

Sometimes, it may happen, that something or someone lays claim on your life and choices and wont let you choose yourself, what you want. What to do then? Not to worry – recite this prayer what comes from this given quote:

“I am my own man/woman and decide that this choice what is laid upon me is in contempt with myself and what I am in my eyes. I don't like this! I call the right of choice upon me to pluck that choice out of my heart and mind and eyes so it wont restrain me any longer, for I don't want it and dislike its presence in myself!”

And then you can resolve living your own regular life without the choice what was bulling you…

Warning! Don't do this if you are skittish and unable to believe. Because it regards in use of high levels of faith and trust upon yourself and God. If used correctly you can turn your back on the stuff, what was haunting you – but beware – if you would ever return to that thought or decision you plucked out like that; it will be somewhat harder to get rid of it the next time, if not impossible. Don't abuse it on petty fings. You have been warned!!