People
constantly crave attention, because they need to be with somebody or
some community. While for a normal person who has normal likes and
dislikes; who acts average, there is no sweat to fit in and form your
image of self. Because we are what we eat. Either the friends we hang
out with, tell something about us; or the music we're listening to;
or the places we go or books we read. Its all like food. If the food
is rotten or you eat too much, you get sick. That's why people want
sometimes alone time. Not because they hate, but because they stuffed
of emotions, like a person who just ate a succulent 7 course meal,
can't even suffer to eat a grape without feeling the urge to vomit.
„A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” Pro 27:7
It's
very easy to feel satisfied, then you fit in. Picture a table, and
you are sitting behind it. It's filled with the choicest of foods and
you can eat all of them. Is this the life or what? Seems like Heaven!
A depressed mind sees the same table, only with one alteration. All
the foods are labeled with the wrong name – namely, that they don't
belong to you and having a price tag, what you're unable to pay. This
is the reason, why a depressed mind feels so alone like stranded on a
desolate island, though his parents and friends and classmates keep
constantly reminding to him, that he is so deeply loved and cared. He
sees it but also sees the price tag that this love doesn't belong to
him.
Lets
take the Christianity for instance. People always claim its too easy
to get into Christianity… Hell, what do they mean by that? It took
me 15 years to get converted, does that sound easy?! Do they mean,
that wearing a cross makes you a christian – satanists also wear
crosses made of silver, so – nah! Just like a gentleman is not
necessarily a gent; a knight of some kind; a lord. It means simply,
that he is a man in the community, worthy of respect, but not what
the word means. The same is to call somebody a Christian. It doesn't
even mean what it should be. Are all boys, who's first name is
Kristjan; Christian; Risto; Christopher; etc. so Christian, is this
the truth? Most of them are just posing to be, not really what they
claim to be. Do they know Christ in their life?
I
think its to crave for attention, to be like that. It's like wearing
your favorite T-shirt while not knowing what the picture is saying.
Hippies wearing the rune of death – and calling it peace. Well its
really peaceful in the cemetery. I so love my sarcastic side…
To
come back to entering Christendom, because in order to become a
Christian, one must be accepted by the community as such. So what
should a curious boy do there. Read the bible? Ok!
It's
all cool, then you're born in a nice posh healthy family, there you
have your mommy and daddy happily married and paying their taxes in
church and state and being the stalwart guardians of your city; your
probably baptized on child-birth and already in. You know where you
are and where you're going coas' all your family members have been
the same for 7 generations, so what could go wrong there… only if
you don't wanna fit in there, but that's not my point, coas' I wanna
talk about my life. Am so elegant of an Egotist.
I
didn't know my father, coas' he dumped my mother on early time, coas'
he couldn't take her having an abortion on the third child, who would
have been a daughter, while birthing me and my liddle brother. All
that because my father had bad genes and was a coward to stand up for
his wife when the doctors kept harassing her with horror-stories of
retarded children she would beget. Because she married the wrong guy…
It was all too easy to blame it on the girl in sick-bed who had an
abortion and was close to a suicide who you didn't support and
encourage. Indeed, really good show of manly courage…
Or
then he started to booze and hang out with friends because, his
Father and Mother-in-law didn't love him for living at their place
like a hobo and not working much or doing anything except being drunk
and being married with their daughter… Really, that's a number one
dad to be proud off!
That's
really the environment to get into church, then your grandparents are
Lutherans and haven't even baptized their children, not to mention
considered that on you or having you obtain Christian education. But
you get “the name” – while being constantly verbal abused by
your grandfather as a “monster” because uh no, you're born a
bastard. Because your dad was drunk and couldn't propose before he
fucked his 19 year old gorgeous chick on prom-night pregnant and had
take up responsibility he never even wanted. That's what I call
onehitkill on Elona shooter. He could have used a condom. Maybe he
forgot?
Try
then entering a church, then all the people there know this of you.
Not so easy anymore? Feeling a liddle bit ashamed? Then it comes a
real effort to pull up your “keep-smile” and talk to adults who's
emotions and mind you are able to read like an open book, and try to
fit in. Then it becomes like gasping for a sip of air while drowning
in the streaming currents of a river, panting your heads pellmell in
every angle and direction to get something to grab and hold onto. And
then this kind of an adult or even teenager there says: “I love
you!” You look at his/ her perfectly healthy life and smile and
teeth and everything and grin back: “Whatever you say bitch,
whatever you say...” even if you manage to pull up some nice words,
that's what I liked to say…
You
can't feel the “I love U” if you're not engulfed with it having
the love this person is talking about around and inside of you being
the same as he/she is. Because, if you are different, it feels like
being offered a rhetorical approach there you know, you can't say
yes, but have to say politely: “No, thank you!” for it was never
meant for you, but the political correctness forced them to offer
you.
This
is how I'm constantly feeling in my crowds, like I don't belong,
calling myself a white liddle raven – or Walgekaaren1
in Estonian. How can a bastard know God? He was already wrongly
conceived!! Being in a family what doesn't go to church… To make
things worse, I have a natural level of curiosity. Then normal boys
are shy as children and don't try to talk or follow strangers on the
streets, than I didn't mind. That kept my mom always on the brink of
mental collapse to watch me that I wouldn't end up with the wrong
kind of adults… while being so super shy, that I don't relate or
talk much to real people in the real world who could be of my age and
relate to me to form bonds. I like to make my own friends in my own
mind in my own image, because such friends can never betray you, or
hurt your feelings. Unless you into BDSM and feel like it. I always
live in my own mind in my own world, where I am god and nobody else.
Because I couldn't change my life and stop my parents in hurting
eachother and divorcing. It still pains me to see my mother in such
mental state of pride and hybris, to not admit, she's hurt and saying
her “I'm fine's and Ok's” She still wont age, and looks like a 28
year old nymph, while being 54 or something. What ever…
I
don't even know how pretty she must have been, before she met my dad…
Anyway,
to come back to the topic. Being so criminally blond and curious I
ended up in whitch-craft doing all the Taro card readings; and
I-chings; and Runic meditations; Trans-zen and zen meditations, while
reading Daoteching; Bhagavadgita and the Bible. I am a sucker for
good literature. Can't say no to wisdom, whatever it is. And when you
meet such quotes in the bible, where it says:
“You shall not permit a sorceress to live.” Exo 22:18 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth...” Exo 20:4 “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Mat 5:28
What
shall you do, if you're the friendly kind though pushing people away
and have yourself done the wrong things and painting pictures or
writing stuff is already wrong in the eyes of the bible! How to kill
the witch then he sits in your own heart? How to live a Christian
life, while being able to talk to spirits and stuff? Can you relate
to anybody in this state, then they keep telling you: “There is
no boogeyman under your closet; inside your wardrobe; in your room;
no dark presence no nothing, just a bad dream! Grow up!!” And
then you find out that the previous owner of that apartment offed
himself and your room is just about there he did that… Really nice
to chill then and have a good nights sleep. While having cited the
Enochian keys of the Satanic bible as a teenager there. Really nice
to sleep there… How to be a
Christian then, if you are not even baptized yet?
You
start to trust some adults, because they are so nice and smart and
know stuff in the bible and you want to belong… and when you're
there already, you see the same adult claim: “I don't
have to go to church and listen to somebodies Sermon to know how to
read the bible; I don't have the time or the excess of money to waste
on gasoline to come there every Sunday!” Really
nice indeed how adults relate towards each-other while being
Christian, really nice indeed.
Shouldn't
that sting a bit, if the target hears that? That his Sermons are so
bad, that aren't even worth a 15 minute drive to the church on
Sunday. When a teenager says that to another, than he gets scolded
for not respecting the others feelings and gets cited til kingdom
come for being a bad Christian. But an adult can do that. And then
they have the audacity to whine: “Oh why, God, Why are
you hating us so bad?! Send us a prophet and we shall repent!! Send
us an awakening!” And Jesus
looks upon them and sends 47! I repeat 47 street-kids of the
jitterbugger kind there and the church says: “Hell no!
You shall not pass!! Not with those clothes and hoodies and music and
stuff. Grow up and get some style and smarts first!!” And
the teenagers shake their shoulders and roll their eyes and say: “If
you say so!” and go back vence they came from.
“But
whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it
would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and
he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” Mat
18:6
And
Jesus gets pissed and starts
to swear and curse:
„For I say to you
that none of those men who were invited shall taste my supper. ”
Luke 14:24 Really nice
indeed adults, so very Christian.
Really,
its the prophet they need and not a CAT scan on their brains. Sigh
gasp growl. I'm so mean.
I
was the right hand man of the youth pastor who took care of those
kids and it really hurt then I was overruled by majority to send them
back… Now even the youth pastor is not in our church anymore; not
the guy who put up the web page and managed it and works in a radio
station. Everybody is dishing this church, but still their praying
that. Oh the ignorance of being in folly and not knowing what forces
you're toying with…
Why
should Jesus care about them Christians, if they are like that? Why
shouldn't Jesus instead send out his ravens to find a witch; a gay; a
harlot; to bless and sooth them; to cheer them up, so he that raven
could present them to Heaven as they are just now, to humiliate the
highborns who didnt give honor to God.
For
in real. I've been so long in google+ chating with people and their
conduct is so very Sermon of the Mount; so becoming of true ardent
Holyness I have never witnessed among Christians… All those
teenagers who are gay; lesbian; trans; by; feminist etc. Normally
they couldn't even enter a church and would run there out sobbing.
But I feel it in my heart. Jesus really loves them! They all shall be
in Heaven one day… How they relate to friends and cheer them up and
talk silly and get mad and then get along again. Yes, so holy and
worthy of praise indeed. This is how true Christian worship and
friendship should look like, and not like in my church as I
mentioned…
To
think of how distraught I was on the second of february then my
girlfriend dumped me with a text saying she's got another one. And
She was my first kiss. I never got so far with any girl. God I still
can feel her lips on mine; smell her cent of hair and long for her
body to be next to mine, like we cuddled standing on that street
after our first date, then that kiss happened. I still read that
text, unable to delete it. I'm such an emo sucker. And then I got
added by Yongyeon in google+ and watched his site of full nudes.
Seriously dude, get a life! Scrolling through the nudes of broken
girls and feeling the same, never wanting to date any of them, coas'
they so messed up and I think of myself better. All
their eyes staring at me, like they could see me and relate to me,
but I do the cool act and don't wanna know of it. I could only like
three posts in that cite, what weren't nudes, thinking what kind of a
Kitsune Hime2
drama queen owns that site… So I got curious and started adding him
back and his friends to see what will come out of it to get my
thoughts away of my girlfriend. Though it doesn't work too well, its
at least something. It's not so depressing. Ah by the way. Let's
celebrate my 20th
birthday of not killing myself while I was 13 years old… I just
remembered. My real birthday is on 17th
of May! Chill won't do anything stupid for all the friends I have
found here. It would really hurt their feelings and take them down
and I don't like this. I'd rather pull my own weight and help others
than be of excess weight to those, who already are depressed and
fighting back. I can relate to that, so I'm keeping myself alive for
my friends sake, even if I can feel no reason why in myself. But it
really helps to have a purpose in life you can relate and believe in.
What the adults haven't yet taken away from me. For I never want to
become an adult, if that means I have to whine about gas then it
comes to going to church. Seriously its only a nice 1h stroll by feet
from his home to church – no big deal! He just don't like going to
that church and has no other politically correct way in saying so.
You
don't have to go to church to be a Christian; you have to know God –
the man who Jesus Christ was; like he talks in the Sermon of the
mount!
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. “Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Mat 5:1-12
It
doesn't say „Blessed are the Christians or the Yews or any other
group. It says “who so ever” is capable of doing thus is eligible
for Heaven. So if You're Gay and want to go to Heaven and can do this
to your friends and neighbors then rejoice and go to Heaven – You
can do it. If you're a witch you can ditch the previous quote I
mentioned and be in Heaven coas' you're able to mourn; hunger for
righteousness; be merciful; makers of peace; while being pure of
heart, but not according to the lawbook. Well Jesus already loves
you, so you can do it! Or a harlot whore, who knows everybody looks
at her with resent for her misdeeds of not getting a husband but
selling her body. If you can do all this, then fuck that shit what
they are telling you and have it your way! Without ever entering the
church!! Word! And why, you ask me. Because Christians don't want to
serve Jesus and go to Heaven, so Luke 14:1-35
https://www.blueletterbible.org/nkjv/luk/14/1/s_987001
This
is how I do. I cheer up the ravens3
of this world like the raven I am myself. Want to join in and be
dark-gloomy together?
1Walge
– white; normally written „valge” but the „w” messes with
people's heads pretty well coming from the first republic then our
ortography was defined by german rules and not by russian rules.
Kaaren – raven... I'm so fond of ravens. „Consider the ravens,”
Luke 12:24 is my favorite quote what helps me out of my depressions.
2Kitsune
Hime – fox princess; oblivious mystery of a girl or a boy you
can't understand what he/she is.
3Raven
– an emo; goth or depressive person, who at least once has thought
of killing himself or played with that thought.
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