This is my confession, how I grew up and suffered from Gender Dysphoria. It all started from my stupid father, being the pretty boy, who had to fuck my low-Self Esteem, but Ivy League mother pregnant on her 19th birthday, when she just attended her 12th grade. My Mother was born on the 20th of November 1962 and was a Scorpio/ Water-Tiger While my Father was a Virgo. I don't care much of him, because he never showed up, save in court to haggle for the money. Because he was such a deplorable person, I couldn't feel proud of myself, growing up with his face on. In much it reminded of Tom Marvolon Riddle looking like his dad. And while my grandparents, who there the parents of my Mother received me, they there born 30th October 1932 Scorpio Water/monkey (Grandfather) and 10th April 1938 Aries Earth/ Tiger. (Grandmother) they lost a lot of reputation, for not sending me to an orphanage. So I didn't want to tell everybody about, how I couldn't feel like a man, and felt so ashamed, nor how I was expected to be the very best, while I wasn't the INFJ who was dreamed. Those kind of expositions only ended in one way. Your family lost everything and you ended in shit. I definitely wouldn't have enjoyed my education. For instance, my little brother had to attend to a school for mentally impaired children. That gave me more pressure, to be the model older brother, to not give reason for disappointment, while being a INFP-T. And back then the MBTI system didn't exist, so I couldn't even use that, to explain myself, what the fuck was going on. I only learned it in my late teens. So anyway, my nickname in the family was: “Monster” because my grandfather hated my fathers guts for doing his thing and then walking away from his hot mess. Instead he kept fucking and I have probably many half-brothers and -sisters. Everybody wanted raise that in me away, so I wouldn't be like that. Which created this spiritual tug of war scenario, where everybody had an enormous Ego and tried to win something. My mother and grandmother being first wave feminists gave me even more female energies on top of my shame and guilt, what my father left me. And my grandfathers derogations about my father, while being in many cases the same type of asshole, while just richer. He was only a Man, then he brought me to fishing. Then he didn't have to act out as this Evil Dursley who rues the world, that he has to take care of me. Deep inside they all loved me, but they had a unique way of showing it to me, which made me feel, that I didn't matter at all.
So then I gave my life up as a 6 year old to Christ, having entered a church for the first time in my life, the reason was, that My silly grandmother had named me Kristjan! But being the Lutheran by childbirth and proud woman, didn't provide me with the proper education to back it up. So that name, what was given in jest, felt like a mill-stone or Kierkegaards paternal curse, then he discovered on his fathers deathbed, that guy had cursed God in his childhood. So I tried every passage in the book, to make me more appealing to God. I quoted, how all bastards belong to God; how those who have cut themselves in the name of the lord, belong to him. Because then you don't love yourself and feel low self-esteem, its like constantly travelling with the Sword of Damocles on your shoulders and very soul. Every time, I did something, it felt like affirmation, how shitty I was, for not reaching to the standards of Lord Jesus Christ, who never rose up against his parents, although he was God and they there mortal. That kind of standard seemed surreal! How can you even fathom that shit. Not to mention his Prophets and Apostles, who seemed like next level Heroes, I didn't think I shared a species with. Then I started to dabble in Witch-Craft it was mostly to fill the void inside of me, that I couldn't feel a man and did spells like
human soul to succubus Transformation which allowed me to feel, like a human being sucking the excess femininity out of me, and letting me discern my manhood. The other I liked was Demonic Mantra for Sexual Possession; Raven Chant to summon your inner darkness which I don't recommend for Christian use, but then you're desperate and suffering the same way, where there seems to be no way out, and you have good spiritual counseling you can attempt this gamble. I constantly apologized to Christ, for not being able to be worthy as a Man, and feeling like a pussy. Trying my best to improve. But working through this thorny path I could find myself. If I had gotten hormones or drugs, I would have been gone. I needed discipline and something to do, where I moved in a direction, what made the faintest sense. One of the reasons being that my mother was 25 while I was 6 and was as hot as Madonna in her Nympho form, giving me lots of guilt for falling for her. Because she was the ideal hard working type of woman I loved. I constantly had to pray to Jesus, that I wouldn't rape her in her sleep, then she dosed off for overworking on three shifts, and cursed my father for not giving me corporeal punishment and being there. I still got it from my grandparents and mother, but it still feels, then your father is not around. If it theren't for Jesus. I would have gone and killed my dad, like did Voldemort to his, for all the silent tears, my mother cried, while pretending to be tough like a stalwart Sinead O'Connor Statue. Strong women never admit defeat, even if their breaking apart, and no child should watch it. Its like, then Sai rebuked Sakura, for emotionally blackmailing Naruto into Saving Sasuke the trator, while not noticing, that he lost his friend too, and also loves her! I would have loved, if I hadn't been this substitution jutsu for my dad. Growing up fast, to meet that expectation really sucked. Until she met the stepdad we have now, things didn't improve much. I constantly discovered myself in Heroines like Katara; Avatar: Korra; Princess Mononoke etc. like I had something to prove, while not really having a vantage point to achieve it. On those days, came the prophets in handy, who depicted the church a wedded bride for Jesus, and I constantly screemed into the void, that I would be worthy to be that one. Constantly vowing to do better, though my skills there shit. I devoured scriptures and passages, as though my life depended on it, though my orthugraphy was mediocre. I had to learn poetry the hard way, The seven line stansa I use as my signature form, was the weakest link in class. The teachers love it and I cried myself to sleep to hone it to perfection, like Naruto Uzumaki training Kage Bunshin. I learned to conjure up 9 different voices to talk to myself, so it would be easier to write stuff and not feel so lonely. I never trusted peoples friendship like Kevin E. Levin, who was a half-blood alien. I mean in School I was also slurred as an alien, because Christianity wasn't popular back then, also because in the bible, it was obscure, where the brides to the sons came from, either through incest, or preadamite life, meaning, that Adam and Even where aliens! Those there mine either/or options. Incest or Alien. If you claim something in Estonia, its like saying in China that you're the best martial artist in the world. You'll immediately have a long waiting line of people, who want to check your power level. And I had to prove the hard way, how to turn the other cheek and do other things, while having a body hygiene problem. For people knew my dad and could always talk about him. I was afraid of water, so I didn't like to bathe, lest people would see through the dirt, how rotten I was. Had I talked about my tribulations, it would have been blamed on my mother, for being too young and inexperienced, so I didn't want to burden her. Because of this kind of arduous torture in growing up, I think now, that Scorpio and Taurus is best ship, as long the scorpio is leading the bull. Because I had that, for my Mother knew how to teach, I could grow up a Superman, while it felt like nothing gave.
I swallowed everything, what called itself wisdom, from all the corners of the world, to be worthy of Christ, so to be his Bride. And this mysticism miraculously saved my sanity. I still don't know how, because I'm like a criminal blond brat, who goes to the spirit world to fight with demons and then Jesus has to bail me out. Maybe my attitude, which is very similar to Caleb in Blood 2 was the reason Jesus gave me a chance. For then I start something, I never stop until I have delivered. I even tried to download the Akashic Records, which was a near death experience, like seeing a fly go into a vacuum cleaner and somebody pulling the hose – but I didn't explode. I should have dissolved in the void, but somehow Jesus saved me from that fate. Maybe it was helped that I stubbornly tried to merge Communism; Christianity and the Philosophies of Kierkegaard, chanting to myself: “May this three-fold yarn hold, for if Elisha could bring three swords, so can I” 1Ki 19:15-17 I am talking about the anointings of Elisha; Jehu and Hasael. So it would be possible to be a Man, while feeling so girly. I also saw, how the church people acted, giving me a bad impression of adulthood, which defined to me, that the older you there, the more cynical and detached you there from your actual faith. So I vowed to myself, not to ever grow up like that. Much like Tom MacDonald painting tattoos in his face, to not get a job, but choose his passion in wrestling, I cut myself into the image, what I deemed could see God and become Superman. And Jesus granted my wish, allowing my poetry art and essays to exalt themselves, for I constantly yearned for understanding and was the first to attend church and last to leave. I also passionately played games. I never did anything behind Jesus back. Whenever I found something, I had to immediately share it with Jesus, like he was real. My Father or Older Brother. And I kept it all inside of me, lest somebody would ridicule me. For that reason, came my respect and tolerance towards former Satanists like styxhexenhammer666 or Satania site. That I can understand gamers and otaku, for I judge them in accordance, how their fruit looks like. If they can tell me in 30 seconds, what they are about, and how to play their favourite game, and why this is the best game in the god damn world, then I know, this person knows something. But if he starts gossiping vague tirades, what don't seem to get anywhere, then he probably only parsed through commentaries and knows little. I'm sure many gamers and otaku will reach Heaven, while many Chritians and Jew will not, for the way, how they witnessed their Truth in front of me, and how they made me feel, then they talked to me. That raised Whiteraven. So if you struggling also with gender dysphoria and wanting to make your decision, you can always give up your life to Christ and become his bride and you don't need to brainwash your mind and body with hormones, when you haven't even discovered yourself. For I didn't want to get an easy win, I wanted to get a win, my mother could be proud of, then she hears of it. For why should I destroy my life and environment to look cool and be stunning and brave, then I can suffer the intolerance and work shit out! I wanted to be able to believe in myself not to think for the rest of my life, that I got through backstage, like a bad girl, and not through my own merit and skill. How would that show my Communism superior in the light of other peoples Capitalism? Or convince anybody of my Christianity. So if you also want to challenge yourself and go on your own Journey, consider, that there's Jesus and His Gospel. Become a Knight in Shining Armour and pay the Iron Price, and nobody can tell you otherwise, for Jesus has told me so, that Transpeople are expected on His supper and I am here to deliver em in full number. Because the chosen disavowed and did their own things, shall it be rendered thus. If you should lack something, please let me know and I will account for that, as a good handmaid, I wanna be seen serving you. For the Peace in me, I received In Christ, may it be Yours! Thus I share it on Sabbath day, then I previously thought only to charge my batteries, but in Christ I found the courage to say this. Also there's the issue, should Trans people want their own church, they should heed for Luke 5:37-39 for new wine needs to be poured in new skins, and if you serve yourself and the community for 40 years, you will be seeing your fruit. And that will vindicate you also in front of the other Christians. But if you stay like the political Trans are, and insist on subterfuge and infiltration, to get members at the expence of Christ, then the Holy Spirit dost dwell in thee, and you are rabid wolves in sheep clothing and not real. Know yourself and make it happen. And those parents, who help corrupt childen, to make them Trans, then that is not their choice and fate, shall be punished according to scripture. God is justified in this! Who's with me? What say, Christians and Transcommunity!
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