Aspects of Depression

Why Christians find it so hard to cope with their religious feelings and translate it to profane state, as is in the real world, then they have to live in a sacral state with lord Jesus Christ and Christendom.

„And it happened, when the sun arose, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat on Jonah’s head, so that he grew faint. Then he wished death for himself, and said, “It is better for me to die than to live.” Jonah 4:8

Lord Jesus Christ has allowed and bestowed on me the task to talk about my conversion to Christianity and how I feel about my faith; family; country; state; allies and rest of the world. I would write it in Estonian, which would make certain things more plausible and easier to write, but Google translate really sucks in archaic Estonian – so I better do it myself. Besides, it is meant for an audience who mostly talks English with me and not Estonian, so this kind of respect for the common reader is at hand. I will use dialogues sometimes to “Gestalt” different aspects of my personality for I have already made for myself 8 personalities on 3 layered meditation 3x8=24 to access all the energies of the runic chart. If I could draw out a slot for the 9 personality then I could fully activate my bindrune I devised for myself to access and execute “The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness! Mat 6:22,23 with Odal (O); Sowulo (S); Ingwaz (Ng) though it was really hard to make S accept my want and ego to be muscled into co-working with the other chosen runes in that particular christian way, but that is beside the point right now.

Childhood and birth

When I was born to this world, I wasn't expected for my birth just happened to mommy and daddy as is sometimes normal to teenagers who have sex for the first time. My mother was too shy to relate to other guys since of being constantly bullied in class, so when a boy took interest in her in a positive way, it was no surprise she fell for a laid-back cool guy who looked cute and rather nice. Allthough that boys status was lower than the family status of my mothers side, since the talk and ship was nice it wasn't a problem to my mother. The problem arose, then it came at hand, that my father got no spine. When ever an argument arose between my grandmother and -father with their son-in-law about living under their roof and not producing his own living. They even had to force him into evening school and my mother had to parent him through it, otherwise he would not have made the cut. He was so lade back that he immediately chose shotgun with friends then trouble arouse and didn't stick with his wife as is the proper code for a husband. He got no spine to finish anything in his life what demanded to be strict and serious about himself. He just didn't had it in him… And what do you get, when you try mixing water with fire, forcing them together on a molecular level because pregnancy happened and it would be seriously uncool to have an abortion. Of course the doctors advised for it then they saw my gene-chart, but I am happy that mother didn't listen to them, otherwise we would not have this talk through my essay…

So when I was born on 17 of May 1982 (national anti-homophobia day) on 11:50… the reason why this date is so important, is bureaucracy. If I had born 10 minutes later, so on 12:00 they would have cast me to the next day, for on that day they revisioned and marked the births of last day and all the births what happened in the morning before that time-line. So it meant, that I could have ended on 18 of may if the birth would have lasted 10 minutes longer. So numerologically speaking it was a mayor deal… While I was born a name was in order and many suggested to my mother a variety of names. My father didn't apply for that right for he didn't give a fuck about me to name an infant what forced him into marriage, though the chick was hot and had all the percks a guy in Estonia could dream of. My gandmother, who was lutheran by baptistry, though she never went to church in fear of her husband, also lutheran in baptistry who was an ingenious and talented architect and engineer who couldn't socially relate to anything lesser than He – so pretty much all the rest of the world. He still suffered his friends and colleagues for the connections what they could provide to him. But he regarded religion and party as utter weakness of mind and was proud of being outside of everything and above all rabble with his enormous ego and brains… So my Grandmother proposed to give me the name “Kristjan” or Christian as is its english form. Being at work in the library press of University Tartu she was very posh indeed and thought that I would have serious trouble pronouncing the name correctly, for it was no Estonian name, but adopted from Christendom. She had no intensions of giving me Godfathership with anybody who could look after my spiritual growth. She merely regarded it as a blank and safe name to be named with. And since it looks cool on an estonian – many mothers and fathers at that time thought the same way that “Kristjan” could give their offspring a better edge in the future than a mere “Madis”; “Mihkel”; “Mats”; “Ats”; “Tiit”; “Jaak”; “Jaan” etc… Being so important themselves their grandsons name should have been highlighting all those best wishes they had about me…

From the religious perspective – I can't tell that lord Jesus Christ loves that family branch very much – He could have suffered all the bullshit what they had previously done, but naming me “Kristjan” when lord Jesus Christ could clearly envision the future how it will transpire, it really made Him snap, that His panorama rights and copyrights about the name Christian there so utterly disregarded. So then on after my 6 birthday when I first stepped into a Christian Baptist Church it really felt to me that I had reached home… but the adults didn't deliver me to lord Jesus Christ as my name would have intended. And lord Jesus Christ started to hold it as contempt against Him all those minutes; hours and days what went past that day… All boys named Christian should belong to God as an offering and not be something else. And they didn't deliver though being so christian – well yeah, my mother was not, I had to do that honor with my liddle brother when we took her by hand and walked her into church when we went to sunday school and bible school later for me. How can a mother say no to her child when she can clearly see it in their eyes how important it was for us. So my mother was baptised a baptist Christian, but that was later in the future when I was older. After I entered the church something changed inside of me spiritually. A sertain type of hunger started to host in me, what didn't let go anymore. I had a happy childhood and better than most of people could have assumed judging the fact that my mother couldn't go to the University because I was born. They would not let such women study no matter their grades. You wherent supposed to get pregnant like that, and if you did you should have subordinated yourself to your husbands needs, and my father was not that kind of a guy to deserve nor cope with such an honor. He had no ambition towards the future what so ever. He liked only the fuck but not the responsibility. The man started to drink excessively and go to the discos though being married and hanging out with his friends til it killed the marriage. He could only work then he had no booze but if he got any he could be out cold for 4 months straight and that was costly for my mother. Obviously her parents there not happy to have to pay for such kind of outcomes for they didn't have such a drinking problem. My grandfather drank and when he was really drunk he was abusive towards his wife and daughter who didn't respect him enough as he should have deserved and the bosses didn't respect him and ignored his perfect calculations and the workers didn't respect him and implemented his perfect designs and charts wrongly coase they couldn't fucking build in his mind – so he had more than enough reasons for himself to get wasted and let it all out on his family. And the family suffered silently, cause it would have been a shameful thing to report him. They would have lost all their positive status in the society and social life. Nobody likes a rat! So this marriage was no go from the start for only my mother believed in it and now she still can't forgive herself that bad faith and is spiritually stuck in her 19 birthday and can't get out. She still looks so fucking gorgeous like she could be my younger sister or girlfriend if you would meet us in a grocery store though being so old. I mean she was born on 20^th November 1962 So she is a Scorpio – what ever you do, never disrespect one for not only will they not forgive you but they wont forgive themselves that you could fool them even once – so she is about to get 54 years of old in 2 days… And she fucking looks like a fairy goddess I would date and marry if I didn't knew she was my mother. Groce! That's what you get when you cant forgive yourself – you don't age! So my mother had to raise me and my mentally handicapped liddle brother – which aspect my grandfather really despised and regretted – alone and suck up all the dish she received for not turning us to an orfanage and having a new start. People didn't understand her integrity when she botched her all chances to have a career as a business woman. Now she tries to amend it when the Soviet world is over, for some things in peoples minds will never change as long even one single unit of Soviet thinking is alive and well.

Spiritual endevour

As you can already guess, my home was really liberal about everything. We had a bible at home, but people weren't exactly reading it. Yehowas witnesses weren't welcome at our doorstep though nobody said in words anything bad, but still they would have abandoned our home quite fast for a bitter-cold sensation that a bear could trounce on their chests and devour them and Mormons theren't so known yet… no Christian denomination would have dared to invite them in to anythere except on christmas, but those landed in garbage. Important people have no time for religion – the opium of the masses. And they wanted to be important. My readers digest included – they wanted me to be a good and happy liberal, alas, I guess I didn't meet they expectations by turning fundamentalist my way – tonight I'm cleaning up my closet as Eminem would sing of it… though I have more positive feelings towards my mother. So my readers digest included Everything. All the cheap magazines what cracked their windpipes about new-age and other stuff related was hot in our home. I have read more about Numerology; Astrology; Runes; Taro and stuff than about anything else, especially Christendom. I have a healthy level of curiousity as Sokka from Avatar would had said after being almost dead of his cactus juice stunt and being saved by her sister who clearly had the brains in the family. Sometimes I'm a real knuckle head, I guess I got it from dad, because my mother is too strict and honest to risk such things. Also a lot of Estonian folklore and superstition including the famous writers; some famous english writers etc. Sometimes I really hated their guts for being such a pain in the ass for me – I have learned to make the best out of it. Poetry and reading there like kage bunshin to Naruto Uzumaki, then he started his nindo. Now poetry and reading and writing are my strong-points. Their education involved in corporal punishment. I know people hate it these days, but I really love and respect my mother that she suffered all of it though she didn't like herself when she was implementing it. It was to share her love with me so I wouldn't get spoiled by the temptations of this world and that I would not do her mistakes she was so afraid of. I always felt like my mothers little angel – a guardian angel, who shelters her and wipes her tears… She never stopped crying in her heart and soul, it makes me so sad to see her like that… It's a good thing that my father got drunk on a fateful day on February while on a construction yard and slept in the cold winter of Estonia. It gave him physical handycap and disability to work raised 40% Not like the lack of spine leaved there anything to take away. But the knoledge that he suffers of excrusiating pains every time the weather changes, gives me deep enjoyment. Otherwise I would kill that son of a bitch who is so cheap to even fucking send a postcard what costs 5 cents for Christmas. He could deliver it by foot and then the sending would not be charged and still no entry from him. I got him on Gmail, but does he send me an e-mail – nooooo! I won't start talking if he won't do it first. He owes me that much respect as my father, so he should really start acting as one… My mother has a new boyfriend – I approve of him, allthough its still adultery in the eyes of our faith. No second marriages for the Christians especially the Baptists... – anyway a male teacher in Estonia is a rarity indeed when the Soviet Union took his utmost pleasure in killing them off and replacing with female teachers in aid with the LGBT and other feminists because they there too capitalist and didn't fit in to the big dream of Communism… That's one of the reasons I would never talk with an Estonian representative of LGBT or a feminist in there. They have a bad history with men which I don't approve. Most of the teachers in Estonia are in any regards women. They get more attention at school and more priority to get into high-school and University – their grades are better because our system favors women over men. That comes from our historical back-ground there women thought back Christendom the longest due to mayor disrespect from the preachers side, there the poor Christians couldn't choke down that village elders had more than one wife. So they condemned all the excess as harlots and the “new-harlots” lost all their integrity and status in their village and hated the guts of the Christians. This venom and malice still lingers among womenhood. Even the term ÕELUS can be translated as sisterhood or as Malice… and the Soviets made use of it to abuse that feeling to their hearts content… So its a good thing then you can behold a male teacher who is so able in his class and so loved by children, especially challenged children who other teachers have already given up for lack of time and interest – and he didn't ditch Estonia when he had that chance to have a better Career in Brussels as his ex would have wanted which was the reason of their divorce. God must have really blessed this mans life, I so wish it could be more of his kind. Ah well, better one than none… too bad he's not my dad.

Also the default depressive state of all the Estonian populus makes it for men so much harder to cope with their feelings which they are not entitled to share. “Mehed ei nuta!” is an estonian proverb which means “men don't cry” it doesn't say tough men, but men, so If you cry you are considered a woman. Men have no rights in Estonia to share their feelings like women are for that means they have too much of a problem. They must be the supporting-beam of a house not someone who needs support. A man in Estonia is supposed to be like Thor in the movie and be able to listen like he only talks to his wife and nobody else but her. Always able to understand what ever has befallen the heart and soul of his woman, or the woman will become disgruntled and remember the Malice of yesterday, then the preachers took their husbands away… Men have a bigger proclivity towards suicide, as soon they feel they are unwanted by society and family – if left alone an average 40 year old man has a 67.4% chance of killing himself off because on that time all the offices loose interest of their abilities due to better candidates in the younger generation. Also the work moral of women is better. This is how bosses see men work: The man goes through the door kicking it open with his foot and bragging how awesome he really is and how his boss should be thrilled to hire him or he will go elsewhere. The boss must pay him 30% extra or the man will be disappointed like a spoiled child, because he is by default expected to nurture with that pay himself and his girlfriend or wife or at least his mistress. While working the man can do all sorts of things besides doing his job requests – playing games; flirting with staff; gossiping; chatting on the internet… and the boss must really remind the macho that he is a man too… If someone offers a better option, a man is not very loyal and will expect his boss to top it or he deserves no respect for the market loved him better, and the man is always there the money I, slamming the door shut with his bravado when leaving the building… not very healthy to say the least. This is how bosses view a woman applying for a job. She enters the building modestly and draws no attention to her what so ever. She gives her CV respectfully and fulfills all the questions correctly without the slightest hint of a white lie or a real one. A woman will only do her job without looking at the clock just as expected and never ask for a raise unless offered by the boss or other staff members. A woman is extremely loyal and durable and able to squeeze more time out of her weekends and doesn't get the Y2K bug every time soccer; basket-ball or something else is on TV. A Woman even if she leaves an office will do it respectfully minding about the reputation of her boss and company… and that is the reason why after the age of 40 women have a place in the society and men don't unless they could produce a sign what proves the verification capabilities of their Kamidere impression. Also they smoke and drink excessively and tend to speed and needle in the traffic. Women don't do that and don't get killed in freakish accidents so often… Of course its just a hyperbole to get the message through and there are exceptions to that rule but this is the default what everybody is quietly anticipating and that doesn't approve of men. Also spiritually women are more adept and stronger – Estonia really is like the home planet of Darth Maul there the women had charge, though officially its stated that men are more equal – everybody who dares to claim something else in Estonia, gets trolled down by the LGBT. More domination means more power in politics and more money. Nobody wants to loose that lever no matter his or her sex. The equality of sex in Estonia would immediately mean, that some women would loose their jobs.

Everything what I have spiritually done, has made me more open towards Christianity. When I would watch an anime or read a book, I would read it according to the bible and how it relates to lord Jesus Christ and I can loved it only if it can be bent to my religious aspects – if not, well let's not talk about that, some kids might be crying… oh just remembered… At school when I was in my first grade I was so gloomy and on one brake session I had this lucid dream – though I didn't do drugs. My mother would have snapped and killed the pusher off who could have dared to approach me though I was so trusting with adults I could have held hands with a stranger and go there ever without crying so she had to constantly watch over me so nothing would happen. In anyway, why would I need drugs when one line from the bible or from any book could make me act like I'm on drugs having a heightened state. It was never too hard for me to go into the spirit-world. Christians just don't teach it meaningfully so children wont freak out when they start noticing it and label it Witch-craft trying to shut it off. You can't shut off your nature – it stays with you forever and baptistry can only augment not distort or destroy it… So I had a dream, and it was not like Martin Luther King had a dream. It was like this: I watched dreamily in my hightened state how the shadows there dancing around and playing with each other while seeing the real children doing the same. This kind of double vision was funny at first for I thought it was some kind of reflection from the window and the light emanating through it… but then the shadows started doing something weird – they ran away, but their respective owners didn't. It was so strange to view children without their shadows, and then I felt it – the awe and tremble that something was looking for me. It didn't feel anyway nice… I wanted to run away and hide but I didn't understand why would I need to – nothing seemed to be attacking me so my shadow feigned death like characters in Unreal can do that – though I learned about that later – and then my shadow was “dead” a beary figure approached it like that accompanied by a slim smaller guy who didn't look at all. I had all my attention on the big guy and he sniffed me like an animal would.

Beast: “Yuck this one is dead! Why did you waste my time for this?!”

Lackey: “I swear, he was okay when I visioned him. Totally perfect for you...”

Beast: “Are you making fun of me? Why would I need a mortal who's shadow is dead! – Get it right next time...”

Lackey: “Sir, Yes, Sir!”

And then they there gone and the vision stopped. It has happened to me three times at school in the first grade… I don't know what the fuck was that… darkness always seems to draw me in. I feel more happy listening to depressive music than to cheerful music, though sometimes happy music goes too…

Christianisation

“Dream of Californication, dream of Californication...” Me getting baptized wasn't fun at all. I didn't seem to fit in to that church I wanted to with all their posh pastors; theologians and stuff. It was a University church – meant for the students spiritual life and created to accommodate their needs. Unluckily the students where not so thrilled about that cause if you study theology for all week you need a sabatical on Sunday to relieve that mental stress, so the students liked to hangout in other baptist churches what there less “high and mighty” and let the average people breathe too. I guess they didn't dig sermons what started with Greek entries; or old Christian songs what there in the way for the current time and constantly begin to be even more in the way. One reason why teenagers can't breathe in that church is old music. Or the style of the liturgy what doesn't imply clapping your hands cheering up while singing and dancing – everything is so very strict and by the numbers. I really liked their bible frenzy – I couldn't get enough of it. I went 3 hours before the Sermon even began so I could just breathe in the holiness of that place. I constantly thought of going to the church because it was my thing. I never skipped a single Sunday unless stomach-ache which I had frequently… They stopped after my baptistry and other psychosomatic ailments too. Before that my head aches there the real terror keeping me in bed for an entire day unable to think about anything but the pain. Those kind of things quite in common for our family – my mother has them too… I guess its an Ego thing then you're not so happy with the outcome of your life and the expectations of others in both meeting them and being unable of meeting them. After accepting Christianity so many things became more easy to cope. The real problem about my Christianisation was the factor when I started to realize the more I get older – oh no, so much of the stuff I learned from those magazines and books is not Christian enough to fit in. How to share your spiritual experience with people who's understanding in the spirit-world is derived only from the bible respectively the King James version or 1968 Estonian translation of the bible? Christians normally cannot hangout in the spirit world at all because its “tough” and the devil could be somethere and you could get possessed – I just have to close my eyes and want it… so how to relate to it without appearing to be bragging or faking it? And by all means Numerology; Astrology; Taro and other stuff are so restricted to fundamentalists – try to open a newsfeed or a -paper without these, just try and I pull your strings… People are like out of their minds or so starved and suffocated in their souls that their gasp for literally anything what names itself “god” or “special”. I'm not gonna start going there: “It is better on the Christendom side!” kind of storyline. I have seen and heard and experienced too many horrors done by Christians – one of my theology teachers was a pedophile who got caught and the other was a pervert who had to molest a young woman who was not his – and he fucking was so high up like Bill Clinton and I looked up for him as my role-model – it broke my heart when I read it in a newspaper… Sometimes I don't understand why certain Christians mistake their faith and ambition especially their sexual lust. Its like they never get enough power and respect to be happy – that people should always grant them moore. They never seem to remember how the sons of Eli died and brought great shame on Israel… its very alike how Christian leaders act these days. So I cannot fathom how on earth can it be ok then it was not back then. It looks like fornication to me what other people call Christendom – the pride and hybris of leading the world under the cross then nobody seems to even wanna talk to lord Jesus Christ. He would be ecstatic and beyond all exitement then Christians would beep even a wazzup at heavens but mostly their prayers are like … do they even see themselves in the mirror or do they expect that the IQ and PQ of God is pie maybe even a peace of cake… Do they really believe that they could fake anything to Him who has once saved them from this world; who they woved to love forever and ever – and that ended at the next pit stop they heard the latest gossip how to be more successful. Don't get me wrong “Success is an attitude!” might sound nice and funny but its not in the bible so pastors and laypeople should not follow it. It wouldn't be a problem if an atheist would say thus, but a Christian… I don't know… It's like they think that someone could put their prayer up on Youtube for later view so they should be at they best. So whats wrong with that – Christians looking so healthy in their prayer life – because Jesus can heal and mend the ailments of Christians spiritual life, but to obtain it, you must gnothi seauthon you must know yourself and your problems. Not what Jesus would do and say but what you really say. I know that in the bible there is a quote how Jesus says to a servant that he doesn't know him because “whatever you didn't do to your next, you didn't do to me; whatever you didst to your next you didst to me!” It should have included: “Whatever you didn't admit in your prayer that you got a problem with that I am holding in contempt with you for keeping your life away from me, for that part of your life you lived without me!! And whatever you prayed there, you therent talking to me at all – just flattering yourself that I can't see your every thought why you would use exactly those words to pray to me – you already got your bed made up for you, now you just have to sleep in it!!” If Christian doesn't talk to God about his blindness, the blindness will stay with the Christian and in time God will corrupt that blindness so you would never ever try to pray and get healed from it, if he gives up on him, just like a woman saying to his man: “Its ok, I don't mind that you watch porn – its a perfectly healthy habit...” Christians should not abuse the good will and nature of lord Jesus Christ then He was the angel who brought Israel out of Egypt and destroyed Sodom and Gomorra. Maybe he snaps one day and does that again – he is God after all… whats that – He can't do that because Christians are under the cross. Well the Jews there under the protection of God previously and had the Temple of Herod what was so magnificent to behold. It bore the name “Temple of Yahweh Sebaot” and was dedicated to God and so was all Israel – still He renounced it for so many centuries – maybe muslims are better servants to God… for no servitude happens for free and no lord accepts a worker who would not work but fucks around and slanders his name. Why can't Christians accept and understand that the collar they are wearing is a slave collar that depicts their ownership. Can a slave decide thence to come and go? Uh, no – hes master decides that! Can a slave have a lip on what the letters of his master say and omit or alter it? Uh please don't do that you might die for this… Can a slave sit on the masters chair without his knowledge or allowance? No! Overkill – that is punishable by banishment at best or death… So why are Christians acting like they own their faith?! What do they own in there?? They don't even fucking own they lives to each-other lest to somebody else! They owe it all to lord Jesus Christ and they don't respect Him nor talk to Him nor anything -. they are merely cos-playing Christendom!! A Harlot; a Lesbian and a Wicca would be better of in the face of judgment day than a Christian these days. Why do I even give a fuck… let it all burn for God! So that His name shall be exalted over the world once more!

Dialogue with lord Jesus Christ

I see Jesus come over the waters like a water-spirit in Avatar

J: “Thank you!” He smiles at me so pleasantly like I did something important to Him.

K: Freaks out “I didn't do anything!”

J: “Thank you for being in my service...” He replies with a calm and modest voice

K: “Uh, my lord, I am your servant – that's what we do… why thank me for what I am!”

J: “I have many servants – not many acknowledge me on this level as you.”

K: blushes and looks down “You shouldn't have said that...”

J: “Whats wrong, Kristjan?” He asked me and stepped on land to come closer.

K: “You know I call myself Whiteraven?” I replied and moved farther away “God, you're creepy!”

J: Looks me with resent what quickly changes to worry… “You know I don't like you using that name… whats wrong with my name?”

K: “Its… its… too big… and I am … too unworthy!” I gaze with tears in my eyes into His frustrated “I hate you!” and try to run away to find Him stand in front of me. I turn around and all repeats itself. “Stop it now! Leave me alone… you're not my dad!”

J: “I never mocked nor taunted you in any way...” said Jesus quietly still so very concerned about me.

K: “That's the problem – I would understand you better if you would abuse me like Christians are abusing your words to rule.”

J: “That's not your problem how the Christians are but mine...” He said and looked the distance grumbling about something.

J: “Can you do me a favor?”

K: “You're killing me Jesus! I am your servant so you can ask me anything. How can a servant do favors to his lord!” I looked at Jesus with great puzzlement and concern. “I don't understand what you mean!”

J: “Your mothers birthday is on 20^th of November, that's in two days...”

K: “I fucking forgat my mothers birthday? Again?! OMG and she even said she's ok with me going to church on that day!!” I grab my head and start running around like crazy

J: “Calm down, son...” said Jesus in a calming voice and grabbed me into a hug so I couldn't run away again.

K: “You never seem to forget anything, do you?” I spitted out in his face angry. “The hell, should I do now with no present?? Again!”

J: “Write her a poetry...” encouraged Jesus…

K: “Whatever...” I tried to smirk but my face gave up on me…

J: “You misunderstand me.” said Jesus calmly “That's an order! I am asking you to write a poetry to your mother to express your feelings so you could be happy about her special day, so no sulking allowed, mister! I am watching you!!”

K: “Do you watch me undress and masturbate too?” I tried to look cool but I was scared as hell. “Why is He talking so nice to me? Why me! Why can't he fucking choose somebody smarter who has no attitude problems…?”

J: “You really wanna go there?” Jesus looked a bit disappointed and amused “Besides I can read your memories; thoughts and feelings because you gave me permition to do that, so is kinda very alluring then you talk to yourself and it appears like you are talking to me...”

K: “Sorry...” I said to Jesus and looked down letting Him hug me.

J: “Why would you be sorry for that.”

K: “Why can't you love my parents instead and mend their wounds! You're always there for me but not for them!!”

J: “That's not upon you to decide who lives and who dies, son, besides. They must choose me before I can do anything in their lives. Just calling themselves Christian and going to church and paying 10% wont cut it. That doesn't replace what I get from you.

K: “The hell you mean by that?” I looked Jesus a bit startled and frightened “I don't like there this is going...”

J: “If I would askew to jump into Hell: What would you do?”

K: I looked curious and interested: “You really want me to jump into Hell? What style and how many tricks must I pull before I reach Hell!”

J: “Told you so. Your family would plead for their lives and offer even you as recompense just as they named you, but you would change places with them in Heaven and don't mind at all if your service would corrupt your soul and cast you to Hell! That's a rare treat from a mortal. They don't make them like they used to.”

K: “Uh, lord Jesus, you being God All-mighty and all. Ain't you having more say in it to use that parable. It sounds so creepy in your mouth.”

J: “People have more say in their children's lives than they know. The freedom of Will goes far beyond their wildest dreams. I will not restrict a parents want in educating his or her children. Even if it means, they will go to Hell. He/she shall answer that bad parenting when he meets me.”

K: “Try telling that to the liberals...” I resented to Him

J: “Oh don't worry about them, they are of no business to you. They are doing my work...”

K: “I don't like the kind of work they are doing – I read the bible you know… It seems to me the same like you proposed to prophets Eliyah and his manservant who poured water to his hands… not too many people got out alive there…”

J: “That's not your fault nor concern...” He left me sitting on the ground and glared at me “Aren't you having a job to do?” and then He left.

K: “Right – the poem! Right on it, my lord!” I saluted at that place there lord Jesus Christ stood and started writing…

Ema süda

1.

Kes võiks küll tänada su valu, su kannatuse ahelaid;

kui südames sa võtsid tunda üht armastust – ja jätsid kõik –

said emaks varakult ja laimuks, just nagu Maarja Pühast Vaimust.

Kuid head ei olnud sinu teel, vaid põlgvaid sõnu vahedaid...

2.

Kes võiks küll kanda sinu leina, ja raskeid sompus pisaraid;

must kasvatasid mehe vahva – ei pea ma kartma vaenukätt!

Ka sinu õpetuse sõnad ja rihma kiprad valuterad –

Kõik sulle tänada ma tahaks, kui sepp lööb ääsil vasaraid!

3.

Sa seisid mu eest, kui ei suutnud, ma isegi veel kõndida;

kui midagi mul oli võlgu, sa sellegi said hüvitet'.

Oh, emake, sa ära nuta: hea poeg on parem tuhat meest,

ei ema süda iial jätta või see, kes taevast õnnistab...

4.

Ka siis kui minul olid valud, kui minul kannatusepäev;

sa tundsid minu eestki seda ja hoidsid lampi hommikuni.

Ei tukkund iial sinu silmad, su käed on pesust ära parkund:

kes võiks küll seda memme vaeva veel ära tunda tänapäev!

5.

Sa endal kõike ära keelsid, et minul oleks hüvim veel;

vaid sappi, sülge kiivust neelsid, kui oleksid need maasikad.

Ma tahaksin veel kaugelt tuua, ja sinu õnne uueks luua -

kõik sõnad ilusad ja head, et hoida lampi sinu teel...

6.

Oh ema süda ruske, armas, miks vaevad ennast nõnda palju?

Sa nagu imeasi taevas, ei tea ma öelda armusõnu;

mis võiksid kõlvata nii hellalt, kui helisevad tornis kellad:

„Oh, ela hästi, tervist rohkelt, sa püsi nagu kindel kalju!”

7.

Kõik salamõtted ja ka tunded, ei sünni kirja pannagi;

sest vahest mõni ingel taevas vaeb sellest pahalt solvuda.

Hea ema rohkem on kui riigid, kui lõppematud mõõgad; piigid.

Kõik, mida otse ei või soovi – just tänupalves annangi!