Why
Christians find it so hard to cope with their religious feelings and
translate it to profane state, as is in the real world, then they
have to live in a sacral state with lord Jesus Christ and
Christendom.
„And
it happened, when the sun arose, that God prepared a vehement east
wind; and the sun beat on Jonah’s head, so that he grew faint. Then
he wished death for himself, and said, “It
is
better for me to die than to live.” Jonah 4:8
Lord
Jesus Christ has allowed and bestowed on me the task to talk about my
conversion to Christianity and how I feel about my faith; family;
country; state; allies and rest of the world. I would write it in
Estonian, which would make certain things more plausible and easier
to write, but Google translate really sucks in archaic Estonian –
so I better do it myself. Besides, it is meant for an audience who
mostly talks English with me and not Estonian, so this kind of
respect for the common reader is at hand. I will use dialogues
sometimes to “Gestalt”
different
aspects of my personality for I have already made for myself 8
personalities on 3 layered meditation 3x8=24 to access all the
energies of the runic chart. If I could draw out a slot for the 9
personality then I could fully activate my bindrune I devised for
myself to access and execute “The
lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your
whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole
body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you
is darkness, how great is
that darkness! Mat 6:22,23 with
Odal (O); Sowulo (S); Ingwaz (Ng) though it was really hard to make S
accept my want and ego to be muscled into co-working with the other
chosen runes in that particular christian way, but
that is beside the point right now.
Childhood
and birth
When
I was born to this world, I wasn't expected for my birth just
happened to mommy and daddy as is sometimes normal to teenagers who
have sex for the first time. My mother was too shy to relate to other
guys since of being constantly bullied in class, so when a boy took
interest in her in a positive way, it was no surprise she fell for a
laid-back cool guy who looked cute and rather nice. Allthough that
boys status was lower than the family status of my mothers side,
since the talk and ship was nice it wasn't a problem to my mother.
The problem arose, then it came at hand, that my father got no spine.
When ever an argument arose between my grandmother and -father with
their son-in-law about living under their roof and not producing his
own living. They even had to force him into evening school and my
mother had to parent him through it, otherwise he would not have made
the cut. He was so lade back that he immediately chose shotgun with
friends then trouble arouse and didn't stick with his wife as is the
proper code for a husband. He got no spine to finish anything in his
life what demanded to be strict and serious about himself. He just
didn't had it in him… And what do you get, when you try mixing
water with fire, forcing them together on a molecular level because
pregnancy happened and it would be seriously uncool to have an
abortion. Of course the doctors advised for it then they saw my
gene-chart, but I am happy that mother didn't listen to them,
otherwise we would not have this talk through my essay…
So
when I was born on 17 of May 1982 (national anti-homophobia day) on
11:50… the reason why this date is so important, is bureaucracy. If
I had born 10 minutes later, so on 12:00 they would have cast me to
the next day, for on that day they revisioned and marked the births
of last day and all the births what happened in the morning before
that time-line. So it meant, that I could have ended on 18 of may if
the birth would have lasted 10 minutes longer. So numerologically
speaking it was a mayor deal… While I was born a name was in order
and many suggested to my mother a variety of names. My father didn't
apply for that right for he didn't give a fuck about me to name an
infant what forced him into marriage, though the chick was hot and
had all the percks a guy in Estonia could dream of. My gandmother,
who was lutheran by baptistry, though she never went to church in
fear of her husband, also lutheran in baptistry who was an ingenious
and talented architect and engineer who couldn't socially relate to
anything lesser than He – so pretty much all the rest of the world.
He still suffered his friends and colleagues for the connections what
they could provide to him. But he regarded religion and party as
utter weakness of mind and was proud of being outside of everything
and above all rabble with his enormous ego and brains… So my
Grandmother proposed to give me the name “Kristjan” or Christian
as is its english form. Being at work in the library press of
University Tartu she was very posh indeed and thought that I would
have serious trouble pronouncing the name correctly, for it was no
Estonian name, but adopted from Christendom. She had no intensions of
giving me Godfathership with anybody who could look after my
spiritual growth. She merely regarded it as a blank and safe name to
be named with. And since it looks cool on an estonian – many
mothers and fathers at that time thought the same way that “Kristjan”
could give their offspring a better edge in the future than a mere
“Madis”; “Mihkel”; “Mats”; “Ats”; “Tiit”;
“Jaak”; “Jaan” etc… Being so important themselves their
grandsons name should have been highlighting all those best wishes
they had about me…
From
the religious perspective – I can't tell that lord Jesus Christ
loves that family branch very much – He could have suffered all the
bullshit what they had previously done, but naming me “Kristjan”
when lord Jesus Christ could clearly envision the future how it will
transpire, it really made Him snap, that His panorama rights and
copyrights about the name Christian there so utterly disregarded. So
then on after my 6 birthday when I first stepped into a Christian
Baptist Church it really felt to me that I had reached home… but
the adults didn't deliver me to lord Jesus Christ as my name would
have intended. And lord Jesus Christ started to hold it as contempt
against Him all those minutes; hours and days what went past that
day… All boys named Christian should belong to God as an offering
and not be something else. And they didn't deliver though being so
christian – well yeah, my mother was not, I had to do that honor
with my liddle brother when we took her by hand and walked her into
church when we went to sunday school and bible school later for me.
How can a mother say no to her child when she can clearly see it in
their eyes how important it was for us. So my mother was baptised a
baptist Christian, but that was later in the future when I was older.
After I entered the church something changed inside of me
spiritually. A sertain type of hunger started to host in me, what
didn't let go anymore. I had a happy childhood and better than most
of people could have assumed judging the fact that my mother couldn't
go to the University because I was born. They would not let such
women study no matter their grades. You wherent supposed to get
pregnant like that, and if you did you should have subordinated
yourself to your husbands needs, and my father was not that kind of a
guy to deserve nor cope with such an honor. He had no ambition
towards the future what so ever. He liked only the fuck but not the
responsibility. The man started to drink excessively and go to the
discos though being married and hanging out with his friends til it
killed the marriage. He could only work then he had no booze but if
he got any he could be out cold for 4 months straight and that was
costly for my mother. Obviously her parents there not happy to have
to pay for such kind of outcomes for they didn't have such a drinking
problem. My grandfather drank and when he was really drunk he was
abusive towards his wife and daughter who didn't respect him enough
as he should have deserved and the bosses didn't respect him and
ignored his perfect calculations and the workers didn't respect him
and implemented his perfect designs and charts wrongly coase they
couldn't fucking build in his mind – so he had more than enough
reasons for himself to get wasted and let it all out on his family.
And the family suffered silently, cause it would have been a shameful
thing to report him. They would have lost all their positive status
in the society and social life. Nobody likes a rat! So this marriage
was no go from the start for only my mother believed in it and now
she still can't forgive herself that bad faith and is spiritually
stuck in her 19 birthday and can't get out. She still looks so
fucking gorgeous like she could be my younger sister or girlfriend if
you would meet us in a grocery store though being so old. I mean she
was born on 20th
November 1962 So she is a Scorpio – what ever you do, never
disrespect one for not only will they not forgive you but they wont
forgive themselves that you could fool them even once – so she is
about to get 54 years of old in 2 days… And she fucking looks like
a fairy goddess I would date and marry if I didn't knew she was my
mother. Groce! That's what you get when you cant forgive yourself –
you don't age! So my mother had to raise me and my mentally
handicapped liddle brother – which aspect my grandfather really
despised and regretted – alone and suck up all the dish she
received for not turning us to an orfanage and having a new start.
People didn't understand her integrity when she botched her all
chances to have a career as a business woman. Now she tries to amend
it when the Soviet world is over, for some things in peoples minds
will never change as long even one single unit of Soviet thinking is
alive and well.
Spiritual
endevour
As
you can already guess, my home was really liberal about everything.
We had a bible at home, but people weren't exactly reading it.
Yehowas witnesses weren't welcome at our doorstep though nobody said
in words anything bad, but still they would have abandoned our home
quite fast for a bitter-cold sensation that a bear could trounce on
their chests and devour them and Mormons theren't so known yet… no
Christian denomination would have dared to invite them in to anythere
except on christmas, but those landed in garbage. Important people
have no time for religion – the opium of the masses. And they
wanted to be important. My readers digest included – they wanted me
to be a good and happy liberal, alas, I guess I didn't meet they
expectations by turning fundamentalist my way – tonight I'm
cleaning up my closet as Eminem would sing of it… though I have
more positive feelings towards my mother. So my readers digest
included Everything. All the cheap magazines what cracked their
windpipes about new-age and other stuff related was hot in our home.
I have read more about Numerology; Astrology; Runes; Taro and stuff
than about anything else, especially Christendom. I have a healthy
level of curiousity as Sokka from Avatar would had said after being
almost dead of his cactus juice stunt and being saved by her sister
who clearly had the brains in the family. Sometimes I'm a real
knuckle head, I guess I got it from dad, because my mother is too
strict and honest to risk such things. Also a lot of Estonian
folklore and superstition including the famous writers; some famous
english writers etc. Sometimes I really hated their guts for being
such a pain in the ass for me – I have learned to make the best out
of it. Poetry and reading there like kage bunshin to Naruto Uzumaki,
then he started his nindo. Now poetry and reading and writing are my
strong-points. Their education involved in corporal punishment. I
know people hate it these days, but I really love and respect my
mother that she suffered all of it though she didn't like herself
when she was implementing it. It was to share her love with me so I
wouldn't get spoiled by the temptations of this world and that I
would not do her mistakes she was so afraid of. I always felt like my
mothers little angel – a guardian angel, who shelters her and wipes
her tears… She never stopped crying in her heart and soul, it makes
me so sad to see her like that… It's a good thing that my father
got drunk on a fateful day on February while on a construction yard
and slept in the cold winter of Estonia. It gave him physical
handycap and disability to work raised 40% Not like the lack of spine
leaved there anything to take away. But the knoledge that he suffers
of excrusiating pains every time the weather changes, gives me deep
enjoyment. Otherwise I would kill that son of a bitch who is so cheap
to even fucking send a postcard what costs 5 cents for Christmas. He
could deliver it by foot and then the sending would not be charged
and still no entry from him. I got him on Gmail, but does he send me
an e-mail – nooooo! I won't start talking if he won't do it first.
He owes me that much respect as my father, so he should really start
acting as one… My mother has a new boyfriend – I approve of him,
allthough its still adultery in the eyes of our faith. No second
marriages for the Christians especially the Baptists... – anyway a
male teacher in Estonia is a rarity indeed when the Soviet Union took
his utmost pleasure in killing them off and replacing with female
teachers in aid with the LGBT and other feminists because they there
too capitalist and didn't fit in to the big dream of Communism…
That's one of the reasons I would never talk with an Estonian
representative of LGBT or a feminist in there. They have a bad
history with men which I don't approve. Most of the teachers in
Estonia are in any regards women. They get more attention at school
and more priority to get into high-school and University – their
grades are better because our system favors women over men. That
comes from our historical back-ground there women thought back
Christendom the longest due to mayor disrespect from the preachers
side, there the poor Christians couldn't choke down that village
elders had more than one wife. So they condemned all the excess as
harlots and the “new-harlots” lost all their integrity and status
in their village and hated the guts of the Christians. This venom and
malice still lingers among womenhood. Even the term ÕELUS can be
translated as sisterhood or as Malice… and the Soviets made use of
it to abuse that feeling to their hearts content… So its a good
thing then you can behold a male teacher who is so able in his class
and so loved by children, especially challenged children who other
teachers have already given up for lack of time and interest – and
he didn't ditch Estonia when he had that chance to have a better
Career in Brussels as his ex would have wanted which was the reason
of their divorce. God must have really blessed this mans life, I so
wish it could be more of his kind. Ah well, better one than none…
too bad he's not my dad.
Also
the default depressive state of all the Estonian populus makes it for
men so much harder to cope with their feelings which they are not
entitled to share. “Mehed ei nuta!” is an estonian proverb which
means “men don't cry” it doesn't say tough men, but men, so If
you cry you are considered a woman. Men have no rights in Estonia to
share their feelings like women are for that means they have too much
of a problem. They must be the supporting-beam of a house not someone
who needs support. A man in Estonia is supposed to be like Thor in
the movie and be able to listen like he only talks to his wife and
nobody else but her. Always able to understand what ever has befallen
the heart and soul of his woman, or the woman will become disgruntled
and remember the Malice of yesterday, then the preachers took their
husbands away… Men have a bigger proclivity towards suicide, as
soon they feel they are unwanted by society and family – if left
alone an average 40 year old man has a 67.4% chance of killing
himself off because on that time all the offices loose interest of
their abilities due to better candidates in the younger generation.
Also the work moral of women is better. This is how bosses see men
work: The man goes through the door kicking it open with his foot and
bragging how awesome he really is and how his boss should be thrilled
to hire him or he will go elsewhere. The boss must pay him 30% extra
or the man will be disappointed like a spoiled child, because he is
by default expected to nurture with that pay himself and his
girlfriend or wife or at least his mistress. While working the man
can do all sorts of things besides doing his job requests –
playing games; flirting with staff; gossiping; chatting on the
internet… and the boss must really remind the macho that he is a
man too… If someone offers a better option, a man is not very loyal
and will expect his boss to top it or he deserves no respect for the
market loved him better, and the man is always there the money I,
slamming the door shut with his bravado when leaving the building…
not very healthy to say the least. This is how bosses view a woman
applying for a job. She enters the building modestly and draws no
attention to her what so ever. She gives her CV respectfully and
fulfills all the questions
correctly without the slightest hint of a white lie or a real one. A
woman will only do her job without looking at the clock just as
expected and never ask for a raise unless offered by the boss or
other staff members. A woman is extremely loyal and durable and able
to squeeze more time out of her weekends and doesn't get the Y2K bug
every time soccer; basket-ball or something else is on TV. A Woman
even if she leaves an office will do it respectfully minding about
the reputation of her boss and company… and that is the reason why
after the age of 40 women have a place in the society and men don't
unless they could produce a sign what proves the verification
capabilities of their Kamidere impression. Also they smoke and drink
excessively and tend to speed and needle in the traffic. Women don't
do that and don't get killed in freakish accidents so often… Of
course its just a hyperbole to get the message through and there are
exceptions to that rule but this is the default what everybody is
quietly anticipating and that doesn't approve of men. Also
spiritually women are more adept and stronger – Estonia really is
like the home planet of Darth Maul there the women had charge, though
officially its stated that men are more equal – everybody who dares
to claim something else in Estonia, gets trolled down by the LGBT.
More domination means more power in politics and more money. Nobody
wants to loose that lever no matter his or her sex. The equality of
sex in Estonia would immediately mean, that some women would loose
their jobs.
Everything
what I have spiritually done, has made me more open towards
Christianity. When I would watch an anime or read a book, I would
read it according to the bible and how it relates to lord Jesus
Christ and I can loved it only if it can be bent to my religious
aspects – if not, well let's not talk about that, some kids might
be crying… oh just remembered… At school when I was in my first
grade I was so gloomy and on one brake session I had this lucid dream
– though I didn't do drugs. My mother would have snapped and killed
the pusher off who could have dared to approach me though I was so
trusting with adults I could have held hands with a stranger and go
there ever without crying so she had to constantly watch over me so
nothing would happen. In anyway, why would I need drugs when one line
from the bible or from any book could make me act like I'm on drugs
having a heightened state. It was never too hard for me to go into
the spirit-world. Christians just don't teach it meaningfully so
children wont freak out when they start noticing it and label it
Witch-craft trying to shut it off. You can't shut off your nature –
it stays with you forever and baptistry can only augment not distort
or destroy it… So I had a dream, and it was not like Martin Luther
King had a dream. It was like this: I watched dreamily in my
hightened
state how the shadows there dancing around and playing with each
other while seeing the real children doing the same. This kind of
double vision was funny at first for I thought it was some kind of
reflection from the window and the light emanating through it… but
then the shadows started doing something weird – they ran away, but
their respective owners didn't. It was so strange to view children
without their shadows, and then I felt it – the awe and tremble
that something was looking for me. It didn't feel anyway nice… I
wanted to run away and hide but I didn't understand why would I need
to – nothing seemed to be attacking me so my shadow feigned death
like characters in Unreal can do that – though I learned about that
later – and then my shadow was “dead” a beary figure approached
it like that accompanied by a slim smaller guy who didn't look at
all. I had all my attention on the big guy and he sniffed me like an
animal would.
Beast:
“Yuck this one is dead! Why did you waste my time for this?!”
Lackey:
“I swear, he was okay when I visioned him. Totally perfect for
you...”
Beast:
“Are you making fun of me? Why would I need a mortal who's shadow
is dead! – Get it right next time...”
Lackey:
“Sir, Yes, Sir!”
And
then they there gone and the vision stopped. It has happened to me
three times at school in the first grade… I don't know what the
fuck was that… darkness always seems to draw me in. I feel more
happy listening to depressive music than to cheerful music, though
sometimes happy music goes too…
Christianisation
“Dream
of Californication, dream of Californication...” Me
getting baptized wasn't fun at all. I didn't seem to fit in to that
church I wanted to with all their posh pastors; theologians and
stuff. It was a University church – meant for the students
spiritual life and created to accommodate their needs. Unluckily the
students where not so thrilled about that cause
if you study theology for all week you need a sabatical on Sunday to
relieve that mental stress, so the students liked to hangout in other
baptist churches what there less “high and mighty” and let the
average people breathe too. I guess they didn't dig sermons what
started with Greek entries; or old Christian songs what there in the
way for the current time and constantly begin to be even more in the
way. One reason why teenagers can't breathe in that church is old
music. Or the style of the liturgy what doesn't imply clapping your
hands cheering up while singing and dancing – everything is so very
strict and by the numbers. I really liked their bible frenzy – I
couldn't get enough of it. I went 3 hours before the Sermon even
began so I could just breathe in the holiness of that place. I
constantly thought of going to the church because it was my thing. I
never skipped a single Sunday unless stomach-ache which I had
frequently… They stopped after my baptistry and other psychosomatic
ailments too. Before
that my head aches there the real terror keeping me in bed for an
entire day unable to think about anything but the pain. Those kind of
things quite in common for our family – my mother has them too… I
guess its an Ego thing then you're not so happy with the outcome of
your life and the expectations of others in both meeting them and
being unable of meeting them. After accepting Christianity so many
things became more easy to cope. The real problem about my
Christianisation was the factor when I started to realize the more I
get older – oh no, so much of the stuff I learned from those
magazines and books is not Christian enough to fit in. How to share
your spiritual experience with people who's understanding in the
spirit-world is derived only from the bible respectively the King
James version or 1968 Estonian translation of the bible? Christians
normally cannot hangout in the spirit world at all because its
“tough” and the devil could be somethere and you could get
possessed – I just have to close my eyes and want it… so how to
relate to it without appearing to be bragging or faking it? And by
all means Numerology; Astrology; Taro and other stuff are so
restricted to fundamentalists – try to open a newsfeed or a -paper
without these, just try and I pull your strings… People are like
out of their minds or so starved and suffocated in their souls that
their gasp for literally anything what names itself “god” or
“special”. I'm not gonna start going there: “It is better on
the Christendom side!” kind of storyline. I have seen and heard and
experienced too many horrors done by Christians – one of my
theology teachers was a pedophile who got caught and the other was a
pervert who had to molest a young
woman
who was not his – and he fucking was so high up like Bill Clinton
and I looked up for him as my role-model – it broke my heart when I
read it in a newspaper… Sometimes
I don't understand why certain Christians mistake their faith and
ambition especially their sexual lust. Its like they never get enough
power and respect to be happy – that people should always grant
them moore. They never seem to remember how the sons of Eli died and
brought great shame on Israel… its very alike how Christian leaders
act these days. So I cannot fathom how on earth can it be ok then it
was not back then. It looks like fornication to me what other people
call Christendom – the pride and hybris of leading the world under
the cross then nobody seems to even wanna talk to lord Jesus Christ.
He would be ecstatic and beyond all exitement then Christians would
beep even a wazzup at heavens but mostly their prayers are like …
do they even see themselves in the mirror or do they expect that the
IQ and PQ of God is pie maybe even a peace of cake… Do they really
believe that they could fake anything to Him who has once saved them
from this world; who they woved to love forever and ever – and that
ended at the next pit stop they heard the latest gossip how to be
more successful. Don't get me wrong “Success
is an attitude!” might
sound nice and funny but its not in the bible so pastors and
laypeople should not follow it. It wouldn't be a problem if an
atheist would say thus, but a Christian… I don't know… It's like
they think that someone could put their prayer up on Youtube for
later view so they should be at they best. So whats wrong with that –
Christians looking so healthy in their prayer life – because Jesus
can heal and mend the ailments of Christians spiritual life, but to
obtain it, you must gnothi
seauthon you
must know yourself and your problems. Not what Jesus would do and say
but what you really say. I know that in the bible there is a quote
how Jesus says to a servant that he doesn't know him because
“whatever
you didn't do to your next, you didn't do to me; whatever you didst
to your next you didst to me!” It
should have included: “Whatever
you didn't admit in your prayer that you got a problem with that I am
holding in contempt with you for keeping your life away from me, for
that part of your life you lived without me!! And
whatever you prayed there, you therent talking to me at all – just
flattering yourself that I can't see your every thought why you would
use exactly those words to pray to me – you already got your bed
made up for you, now you just have to sleep in it!!”
If Christian doesn't talk to God about his blindness, the blindness
will stay with the Christian and in time God will corrupt that
blindness so you would never ever try to pray and get healed from it,
if he gives up on him, just like a woman saying to his man: “Its
ok, I don't mind that you watch porn – its a perfectly healthy
habit...” Christians should not abuse the good will and nature of
lord Jesus Christ then He was the angel who brought Israel out of
Egypt and destroyed Sodom and Gomorra. Maybe he snaps one day and
does that again – he is God after all… whats that – He can't do
that because Christians are under the cross. Well the Jews there
under the protection of God previously and had the Temple of Herod
what was so magnificent to behold. It bore the name “Temple of
Yahweh Sebaot” and was dedicated to God and so was all Israel –
still He renounced it for so many centuries – maybe muslims are
better servants to God… for no servitude happens for free and no
lord accepts a worker who would not work but fucks around and
slanders his name. Why can't Christians accept and understand that
the collar they are wearing is a slave collar that depicts their
ownership. Can a slave decide thence to come and go? Uh, no – hes
master decides that! Can a slave have a lip on what the letters of
his master say and omit or alter it? Uh please don't do that you
might die for this… Can a slave sit on the masters chair without
his knowledge or allowance? No! Overkill – that is punishable by
banishment at best or death… So why are Christians acting like they
own their faith?! What do they own in there?? They don't even fucking
own they lives to each-other lest to somebody else! They owe it all
to lord Jesus Christ and they don't respect Him nor talk to Him nor
anything -. they are merely cos-playing Christendom!! A Harlot; a
Lesbian and a Wicca would be better of in the face of judgment day
than a Christian these days. Why do I even give a fuck… let it all
burn for God! So that His name shall be exalted over the world once
more!
Dialogue
with lord Jesus Christ
I
see Jesus come over the waters like a water-spirit in Avatar
J:
“Thank you!” He smiles at me so pleasantly like I did something
important to Him.
K:
Freaks out “I didn't do anything!”
J:
“Thank you for being in my service...” He replies with a calm and
modest voice
K:
“Uh, my lord, I am your servant – that's what we do… why thank
me for what I am!”
J:
“I have many servants – not many acknowledge me on this level as
you.”
K:
blushes and looks down “You shouldn't have said that...”
J:
“Whats wrong, Kristjan?” He asked me and stepped on land to come
closer.
K:
“You know I call myself Whiteraven?” I replied and moved farther
away “God, you're
creepy!”
J:
Looks me with resent what quickly changes to worry… “You know I
don't like you using that name… whats wrong with my name?”
K:
“Its… its… too big… and I am … too unworthy!” I gaze with
tears in my eyes into His frustrated “I hate you!” and try to run
away to find Him stand in front of me. I turn around and all repeats
itself. “Stop it now! Leave me alone… you're not my dad!”
J:
“I never mocked nor taunted you in any way...” said Jesus quietly
still so very concerned about me.
K:
“That's the problem – I would understand you better if you would
abuse me like Christians are abusing your words to rule.”
J:
“That's not your problem how the Christians are but mine...” He
said and looked the distance grumbling about something.
J:
“Can you do me a favor?”
K:
“You're killing me Jesus! I am your servant so you can ask me
anything. How can a servant do favors to his lord!” I looked at
Jesus with great puzzlement and concern. “I don't understand what
you mean!”
J:
“Your mothers birthday is on 20th
of November, that's in two days...”
K:
“I fucking forgat my mothers birthday? Again?! OMG and she even
said she's ok with me going to church on that day!!” I grab my head
and start running around like crazy
J:
“Calm down, son...” said Jesus in a calming voice and grabbed me
into a hug so I couldn't run away again.
K:
“You never seem to forget anything, do you?” I spitted out in his
face angry. “The hell, should I do now with no present?? Again!”
J:
“Write her a poetry...” encouraged Jesus…
K:
“Whatever...” I tried to smirk but my face gave up on me…
J:
“You misunderstand me.” said Jesus calmly “That's an order! I
am asking you to write a poetry to your mother to express your
feelings so you could be happy about her special day, so no sulking
allowed, mister! I am watching you!!”
K:
“Do you watch me undress and masturbate too?” I tried to look
cool but I was scared as hell. “Why is He talking so nice to me?
Why me! Why can't he fucking choose somebody smarter who has no
attitude problems…?”
J:
“You really wanna go there?” Jesus looked a bit disappointed and
amused “Besides I can read your memories; thoughts and feelings
because you gave me permition to do that, so is kinda very alluring
then you talk to yourself and it appears like you are talking to
me...”
K:
“Sorry...” I said to Jesus and looked down letting Him hug me.
J:
“Why would you be sorry for that.”
K:
“Why can't you love my parents instead and mend their wounds!
You're always there for me but not for them!!”
J:
“That's not upon you to decide who lives and who dies, son,
besides. They must choose me before I can do anything in their lives.
Just calling themselves Christian and going to church and paying 10%
wont cut it. That doesn't replace what I get from you.
K:
“The hell you mean by that?” I looked Jesus a bit startled and
frightened “I don't like there this is going...”
J:
“If I would askew to jump into Hell: What would you do?”
K:
I looked curious and interested: “You really want me to jump into
Hell? What style and how many tricks must I pull before I reach
Hell!”
J:
“Told you so. Your family would plead for their lives and offer
even you as recompense
just as they named you, but you would change places with them in
Heaven and don't mind at all if your service would corrupt your soul
and cast you to Hell! That's
a rare treat from a mortal. They don't make them like they used to.”
K:
“Uh, lord Jesus, you being God All-mighty and all. Ain't you having
more say in it to use that parable. It sounds so creepy in your
mouth.”
J:
“People have more say in their children's lives than they know. The
freedom of Will goes far beyond their wildest dreams. I will not
restrict a parents want in educating his or her children. Even if it
means, they will go to Hell. He/she shall answer that bad parenting
when he meets me.”
K:
“Try telling that to the liberals...” I resented to Him
J:
“Oh don't worry about them, they are of no business to you. They
are doing my work...”
K:
“I don't like the kind of work they are doing – I read the bible
you know… It seems to me the same like you proposed to prophets
Eliyah and his manservant who poured water to his hands… not too
many people got out alive there…”
J:
“That's not your fault nor concern...” He left me sitting on the
ground and glared at me “Aren't you having a job to do?” and then
He left.
K:
“Right – the poem! Right on it, my lord!” I saluted at that
place there lord Jesus Christ stood and started writing…
Ema
süda
1.
Kes
võiks küll tänada su valu, su kannatuse ahelaid;
kui
südames sa võtsid tunda üht armastust – ja jätsid kõik –
said
emaks varakult ja laimuks, just nagu Maarja Pühast Vaimust.
Kuid
head ei olnud sinu teel, vaid põlgvaid sõnu vahedaid...
2.
Kes
võiks küll kanda sinu leina, ja raskeid sompus pisaraid;
must
kasvatasid mehe vahva – ei pea ma kartma vaenukätt!
Ka
sinu õpetuse sõnad ja rihma kiprad valuterad –
Kõik
sulle tänada ma tahaks, kui sepp lööb ääsil vasaraid!
3.
Sa
seisid mu eest, kui ei suutnud, ma isegi veel kõndida;
kui
midagi mul oli võlgu, sa sellegi said hüvitet'.
Oh,
emake, sa ära nuta: hea poeg on parem tuhat meest,
ei
ema süda iial jätta või see, kes taevast õnnistab...
4.
Ka
siis kui minul olid valud, kui minul kannatusepäev;
sa
tundsid minu eestki seda ja hoidsid lampi hommikuni.
Ei
tukkund iial sinu silmad, su käed on pesust ära parkund:
kes
võiks küll seda memme vaeva veel ära tunda tänapäev!
5.
Sa
endal kõike ära keelsid, et minul oleks hüvim veel;
vaid
sappi, sülge kiivust neelsid, kui oleksid need maasikad.
Ma
tahaksin veel kaugelt tuua, ja sinu õnne uueks luua -
kõik
sõnad ilusad ja head, et hoida lampi sinu teel...
6.
Oh
ema süda ruske, armas, miks vaevad ennast nõnda palju?
Sa
nagu imeasi taevas, ei tea ma öelda armusõnu;
mis
võiksid kõlvata nii hellalt, kui helisevad tornis kellad:
„Oh,
ela hästi, tervist rohkelt, sa püsi nagu kindel kalju!”
7.
Kõik
salamõtted ja ka tunded, ei sünni kirja pannagi;
sest
vahest mõni ingel taevas vaeb sellest pahalt solvuda.
Hea
ema rohkem on kui riigid, kui lõppematud mõõgad; piigid.
Kõik,
mida otse ei või soovi – just tänupalves annangi!
