This
is my confession, how I grew up and suffered from Gender Dysphoria.
It all started from my stupid father, being the pretty boy, who had
to fuck my low-Self Esteem, but Ivy League mother pregnant on her
19th
birthday, when she just attended her 12th
grade. My Mother was born on the 20th
of November 1962 and was a Scorpio/ Water-Tiger While my Father was a
Virgo. I don't care much of him, because he never showed up, save in
court to haggle for the money. Because he was such a deplorable
person, I couldn't feel proud of myself, growing up with his face on.
In much it reminded of Tom Marvolon Riddle looking like his dad. And
while my grandparents, who there the parents of my Mother received
me, they there born 30th
October 1932 Scorpio Water/monkey (Grandfather) and 10th
April 1938 Aries Earth/ Tiger. (Grandmother) they lost a lot of
reputation, for not sending me to an orphanage. So I didn't want to
tell everybody about, how I couldn't feel like a man, and felt so
ashamed, nor how I was expected to be the very best, while I wasn't
the INFJ who was dreamed. Those kind of expositions only ended in one
way. Your family lost everything and you ended in shit. I definitely
wouldn't have enjoyed my education. For instance, my little brother
had to attend to a school for mentally impaired children. That gave
me more pressure, to be the model older brother, to not give reason
for disappointment, while being a INFP-T. And back then the MBTI
system didn't exist, so I couldn't even use that, to explain myself,
what the fuck was going on. I only learned it in my late teens. So
anyway, my nickname in the family was: “Monster” because my
grandfather hated my fathers guts for doing his thing and then
walking away from his hot mess. Instead he kept fucking and I have
probably many half-brothers and -sisters. Everybody wanted raise that
in me away, so I wouldn't be like that. Which created this spiritual
tug of war scenario, where everybody had an enormous Ego and tried to
win something. My mother and grandmother being first wave feminists
gave me even more female energies on top of my shame and guilt, what
my father left me. And my grandfathers derogations about my father,
while being in many cases the same type of asshole, while just
richer. He was only a Man, then he brought me to fishing. Then he
didn't have to act out as this Evil Dursley who rues the world, that
he has to take care of me. Deep inside they all loved me, but they
had a unique way of showing it to me, which made me feel, that I
didn't matter at all.
So
then I gave my life up as a 6 year old to Christ, having entered a
church for the first time in my life, the reason was, that My silly
grandmother had named me Kristjan! But being the Lutheran by
childbirth and proud woman, didn't provide me with the proper
education to back it up. So that name, what was given in jest, felt
like a mill-stone or Kierkegaards paternal curse, then he discovered
on his fathers deathbed, that guy had cursed God in his childhood. So
I tried every passage in the book, to make me more appealing to God.
I quoted, how all bastards belong to God; how those who have cut
themselves in the name of the lord, belong to him. Because then you
don't love yourself and feel low self-esteem, its like constantly
travelling with the Sword of Damocles on your shoulders and very
soul. Every time, I did something, it felt like affirmation, how
shitty I was, for not reaching to the standards of Lord Jesus Christ,
who never rose up against his parents, although he was God and they
there mortal. That kind of standard seemed surreal! How can you even
fathom that shit. Not to mention his Prophets and Apostles, who
seemed like next level Heroes, I didn't think I shared a species
with. Then I started to dabble in Witch-Craft it was mostly to fill
the void inside of me, that I couldn't feel a man and did spells like
human
soul to succubus Transformation which allowed me to feel, like a
human being sucking the excess femininity out of me, and letting me
discern my manhood. The other I liked was Demonic
Mantra for Sexual Possession; Raven
Chant to summon your inner darkness which I don't recommend for
Christian use, but then you're desperate and suffering the same way,
where there seems to be no way out, and you have good spiritual
counseling you can attempt this gamble. I constantly apologized to
Christ, for not being able to be worthy as a Man, and feeling like a
pussy. Trying my best to improve. But working through this thorny
path I could find myself. If I had gotten hormones or drugs, I would
have been gone. I needed discipline and something to do, where I
moved in a direction, what made the faintest sense. One of the
reasons being that my mother was 25 while I was 6 and was as hot as
Madonna in her Nympho form, giving me lots of guilt for falling for
her. Because she was the ideal hard working type of woman I loved. I
constantly had to pray to Jesus, that I wouldn't rape her in her
sleep, then she dosed off for overworking on three shifts, and cursed
my father for not giving me corporeal punishment and being there. I
still got it from my grandparents and mother, but it still feels,
then your father is not around. If it theren't for Jesus. I would
have gone and killed my dad, like did Voldemort to his, for all the
silent tears, my mother cried, while pretending to be tough like a
stalwart Sinead O'Connor Statue. Strong women never admit defeat,
even if their breaking apart, and no child should watch it. Its like,
then Sai rebuked Sakura, for emotionally blackmailing Naruto into
Saving Sasuke the trator, while not noticing, that he lost his friend
too, and also loves her! I would have loved, if I hadn't been this
substitution jutsu for my dad. Growing up fast, to meet that
expectation really sucked. Until she met the stepdad we have now,
things didn't improve much. I constantly discovered myself in
Heroines like Katara; Avatar: Korra; Princess Mononoke etc. like I
had something to prove, while not really having a vantage point to
achieve it. On those days, came the prophets in handy, who depicted
the church a wedded bride for Jesus, and I constantly screemed into
the void, that I would be worthy to be that one. Constantly vowing to
do better, though my skills there shit. I devoured scriptures and
passages, as though my life depended on it, though my orthugraphy was
mediocre. I had to learn poetry the hard way, The seven line stansa I
use as my signature form, was the weakest link in class. The teachers
love it and I cried myself to sleep to hone it to perfection, like
Naruto Uzumaki training Kage Bunshin. I learned to conjure up 9
different voices to talk to myself, so it would be easier to write
stuff and not feel so lonely. I never trusted peoples friendship like
Kevin E. Levin, who was a half-blood alien. I mean in School I was
also slurred as an alien, because Christianity wasn't popular back
then, also because in the bible, it was obscure, where the brides to
the sons came from, either through incest, or preadamite life,
meaning, that Adam and Even where aliens! Those there mine either/or
options. Incest or Alien. If you claim something in Estonia, its like
saying in China that you're the best martial artist in the world.
You'll immediately have a long waiting line of people, who want to
check your power level. And I had to prove the hard way, how to turn
the other cheek and do other things, while having a body hygiene
problem. For people knew my dad and could always talk about him. I
was afraid of water, so I didn't like to bathe, lest people would see
through the dirt, how rotten I was. Had I talked about my
tribulations, it would have been blamed on my mother, for being too
young and inexperienced, so I didn't want to burden her. Because of
this kind of arduous torture in growing up, I think now, that Scorpio
and Taurus is best ship, as long the scorpio is leading the bull.
Because I had that, for my Mother knew how to teach, I could grow up
a Superman, while it felt like nothing gave.
I swallowed everything,
what called itself wisdom, from all the corners of the world, to be
worthy of Christ, so to be his Bride. And this mysticism miraculously
saved my sanity. I still don't know how, because I'm like a criminal
blond brat, who goes to the spirit world to fight with demons and
then Jesus has to bail me out. Maybe my attitude, which is very
similar to Caleb in Blood 2 was the reason Jesus gave me a chance.
For then I start something, I never stop until I have delivered. I
even tried to download the Akashic Records, which was a near death
experience, like seeing a fly go into a vacuum cleaner and somebody
pulling the hose – but I didn't explode. I should have dissolved in
the void, but somehow Jesus saved me from that fate. Maybe it was
helped that I stubbornly tried to merge Communism; Christianity and
the Philosophies of Kierkegaard, chanting to myself: “May
this three-fold yarn hold, for if Elisha could bring three swords, so
can I” 1Ki
19:15-17 I am talking about the anointings of Elisha; Jehu and
Hasael. So it would be possible to be a Man, while feeling so girly.
I also saw, how the church people acted, giving me a bad impression
of adulthood, which defined to me, that the older you there, the more
cynical and detached you there from your actual faith. So I vowed to
myself, not to ever grow up like that. Much like Tom MacDonald
painting tattoos in his face, to not get a job, but choose his
passion in wrestling, I cut myself into the image, what I deemed
could see God and become Superman. And Jesus granted my wish,
allowing my poetry art and essays to exalt themselves, for I
constantly yearned for understanding and was the first to attend
church and last to leave. I also passionately played games. I never
did anything behind Jesus back. Whenever I found something, I had to
immediately share it with Jesus, like he was real. My Father or Older
Brother. And I kept it all inside of me, lest somebody would ridicule
me. For that reason, came my respect and tolerance towards former
Satanists like styxhexenhammer666 or Satania site. That I can
understand gamers and otaku, for I judge them in accordance, how
their fruit looks like. If they can tell me in 30 seconds, what they
are about, and how to play their favourite game, and why this is the
best game in the god damn world, then I know, this person knows
something. But if he starts gossiping vague tirades, what don't seem
to get anywhere, then he probably only parsed through commentaries
and knows little. I'm sure many gamers and otaku will reach Heaven,
while many Chritians and Jew will not, for the way, how they
witnessed their Truth in front of me, and how they made me feel, then
they talked to me. That raised Whiteraven. So if you struggling also
with gender dysphoria and wanting to make your decision, you can
always give up your life to Christ and become his bride and you don't
need to brainwash your mind and body with hormones, when you haven't
even discovered yourself. For I didn't want to get an easy win, I
wanted to get a win, my mother could be proud of, then she hears of
it. For why should I destroy my life and environment to look cool and
be stunning and brave, then I can suffer the intolerance and work
shit out! I wanted to be able to believe in myself not to think for
the rest of my life, that I got through backstage, like a bad girl,
and not through my own merit and skill. How would that show my
Communism superior in the light of other peoples Capitalism? Or
convince anybody of my Christianity. So if you also want to challenge
yourself and go on your own Journey, consider, that there's Jesus and
His Gospel. Become a Knight in Shining Armour and pay the Iron Price,
and nobody can tell you otherwise, for Jesus has told me so, that
Transpeople are expected on His supper and I am here to deliver em in
full number. Because the chosen disavowed and did their own things,
shall it be rendered thus. If you should lack something, please let
me know and I will account for that, as a good handmaid, I wanna be
seen serving you. For the Peace in me, I received In Christ, may it
be Yours! Thus I share it on Sabbath day, then I previously thought
only to charge my batteries, but in Christ I found the courage to say
this. Also there's the issue, should Trans people want their own
church, they should heed for Luke 5:37-39 for new wine needs to be
poured in new skins, and if you serve yourself and the community for
40 years, you will be seeing your fruit. And that will vindicate you
also in front of the other Christians. But if you stay like the
political Trans are, and insist on subterfuge and infiltration, to
get members at the expence of Christ, then the Holy Spirit dost dwell
in thee, and you are rabid wolves in sheep clothing and not real.
Know yourself and make it happen. And those parents, who help corrupt
childen, to make them Trans, then that is not their choice and fate,
shall be punished according to scripture. God is justified in this!
Who's with me? What say, Christians and Transcommunity!
